Torn btwn Husband & Addicted Daughter

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Proudmama888, Sep 18, 2015.

  1. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    I am the mother of a 16 year old girl who is a drug addict. I feel she is so obviously screaming out for help, but doesn't have the control over her addiction to take action. In recent years, she has been diagnosed with many different disorders: Borderline (BPD), Bipolar, PTSD, Anxieties, Depression. Before turning to drugs was self harming & suicidal. We have been to many counselors, many doctors, treatment centers for mental health and so on. She doesn't go to school, have a job, nothing....Recently she was given the choice to go to rehab, lasted a week. We did not allow her to come home after signing herself out. Since then she has been couch surfing, hooking up with 19 year man, lived on the streets & in a shelter. She was arrested last Friday for assault - fighting. We agreed to be her surety, brought her home only because the police assured us that if she breeched any of her conditions, they would come and pick her up. Well, of course she did, and when I called the police, she had a complete meltdown. We were told that if she breeched her conditions & we knew about it & did not report it, we could be charged. Well, needless to say, nothing happened. The police picked her up, told us we needed to step up as parents & took her to the hospital for assessment. She was released late last night back into our care. Since I brought her home, my husband is furious!! He didn't want to be her surety in the first place. I told him that she promises to go to treatment as soon as there is a bed available. I know we've all heard it before & as he pointed out, I know how pathetic that sounds. I truly do feel that somewhere in there is a little girl screaming for help. She could be fooling me, again. But, I am her mother!! If she can't depend on me, who can she depend on??
    I don't know what advice I'm looking for... perhaps anyone who has been through something similar, can help, give advice, share their stories??

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Proudmama. UGH! Yes I've been there done that. Called the police numerous times on my daughter from age 14-18. We started a paper trail and she eventually ended up in juvenile court, even spent a weekend in detention because the magistrate wanted to teach her a lesson. I absolutely hated that age and was so relieved when she turned 18, not that it changed her behavior but then we could tell her to either go to rehab or find other living arrangements. I felt those years that I had to do my best to get her through to adulthood without being in prison or dead.

    My daughter was diagnosed with several different disorders also, and was put on several different medications, none of which really helped much. It wasn't until she was homeless and penniless, in two different rehabs and sober houses that she finally decided to stop the madness.

    I don't have a lot of advice because I just had to get through those days any way I could. I did not allow drugs brought into the house or violence and I called the police if necessary.
  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I will be tough here she is 16 and that should give your answer to you and towards your husband. Its not your choice here or your husband its the state the justice system and the law that makes the decision in your place.
    The above answer is pretty much the same advice as mine but more gentle.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she truly has borderline, she will remain difficult even clean. I don't really believe doctors can diagnose correctly if a kid's brain is on drugs though. My daughter had diagnosis when she used drugs. It is twelve years she's clean now and obviously not mentally ill.

    I have my own rule about how I choose. Take it or leave it. Also, other issues at term such as if you and husband have kids together and your own happiness. First of all, always choose yourself first. Don't let others tell you the right thing to do. There is no evil answer so don't worry about being good or bad.

    If the child is 18 or older I choose the husband if I love him and he is a good person. Our lives matter. Legally we can't help adult kids. It's on them. The prognosis of a 16 year old would be a factor for me. Has she always been a problem?

    Hugs and keep posting.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Ohi feel for you. Weave even through a lot with,y son...all through his teen years...he is now 23. These kind of issues can be hell on a marriage. So no matter what decisions and choices you make around your daughter your marriage needs some attention. I know at one point my husband and I went to counseling together to help us get on the same page. There are no right or wrong answers and your husband are both having a lot of feelings and they are all valid. The best thing for your daughter is for you and your husband to find a way to get together and have a united front and a strong relationship. I know for me this has been vital to my own sanity and was also important for my son.
  6. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    That's what I thought. But, last night, they did nothing! Asked me what I wanted? Told me to "step up"
    I have done anything & everything for her!! She is only, just 16. And yes here in Ontario, she is legally an adult, but emotionally she is so young!!
  7. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thanks for your response. No, she hasn't always been a problem . At 14, severely depressed & suicidal. Started using drugs late 14/ 15. She is a smart, beautiful girl, with a huge heart.
  8. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thank you for your response. We do not allow any drugs in the house either. None of her cocktails of medications have seemed to work for her either. I don't by day. I just want to protect her from the big bad world & all the pain she's feeling. I know that sounds silly; I know she.makes herniwn choices. But, if I turn my back on her, who does she have left???
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately we can't protect them from the pain they feel. I know that feeling, sometimes I have hurt so much for my son when he is hurting....he has also been suicidal before and it is so scary! So o don't think you should turn your back on her....the thing is to get clarity for yourself what is really helpful to her and what just enables her bad behavior. If you haven't already read the link on detachment...and i recommend alanon.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have not turned yourback on her but she is still a mess.
    You can be there for her emotionally without enabling her by giving her things. Love doesnt cost money.
    If you pulled out from giving her things, she has herself. In the end, we all have only ourselves when we make life chsnging decisions. Professional help is available too.
    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  11. _mom_of_3

    _mom_of_3 New Member

    Your post could have been written by me, except I have a son and he is ALMOST 18. Just a month away today. The past couple of years have been so hard. My husband feels just the same as yours does and I feel just the same as you do. My ex-husband (son's father) and his wife are involved as well and together all four of us parents have tried everything possible to help him. Our son lasted two weeks in rehab. He's been in juvenile detention for weeks and weeks at a time on several different occasions to no avail though. Every time he is released he comes to either our house or his father's house and inevitably he ends up breaking the rules, back on drugs, and back in detention. I'm both relieved and terrified all at the same time that he will be 18 in one month. Relieved because we finally will not be legally responsible for his choices and he can do what he wants and we HOPE and PRAY he will realize that all this time we've just been trying to help him; and terrified because I live my life daily knowing that there is a VERY high possibility that my son will be dead soon. If not dead he'll end up in jail for a lot of his life until and unless he changes his ways.
    I don't have any advice for you. I am just sorry that you're going through it. I know exactly how you feel and it is so terrible. So know that you are not alone. These past three years have been absolutely terrible for our family and for my son. There have been a couple of times where he was sober for a month or month and a half and it was so wonderful during those times, but I always worried that it was going to end and the chaos would begin again. We have other kids who have been put through hell and back again and I feel like I've sacrificed their well-being and their futures because they have had to be around all this chaos and upheaval so much that they don't know what a normal life or normal family is supposed to be like. I feel really badly for my ex and his wife too. Luckily we all have each other and support each other. This issue with our son drove us apart initially and we all fought a lot and questioned the other's parenting, but within the past 6 months we've all begun to see that our son has been the one dividing us all and since we've stood united we have all done much better. We hope and pray each day that he sees what he's doing and makes the necessary changes to be healthy and happy, but he really refuses to help himself at this point. It is such a hopeless and helpless feeling sometimes. He is currently in detention again after being arrested this week for possession. I am the one who reported it and had him arrested. I deal with so much self-doubt and sadness all the time. I HATE being the one to turn him in but I am NOT allowing drugs in my home and around my other children. I'll be praying for you...and all of us. God speed, _mom_of_3
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2015
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't like bringing this up but I've seen it often enough that it is a possibility: If things started at age 14, yes it can be teen-onset mental illness. BUT it can also be the result of sexual abuse that happened outside your home. School, sports, a friend's house... and even a single incident at that age can have a major impact. This would require professional intervention on a different level.
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Proudmama I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard to watch our children be self destructive and I know all to well the strain it can have on a marriage.

    It sounds like you have done all you can for her. If she is not willing to participate in counseling then you will be spinning your wheels trying to get her to.

    I agree with InsaneCdn.

    It is so much better for a marriage when you deal with things on a united front, especially when dealing with Difficult Child.

    I'm a little farther down this road (my son is 33) and I am so glad that husband and I stuck it out. We are at a point now in our lives where we are really enjoying our lives together.

    Do what you have to keep your marriage strong. When it comes to dealing with your daughter try and meet in the middle in how you will deal with her.

    Please keep posting and let us know how things are going. We are here for you. This is a good, safe place to let out all your feelings.

    ((HUGS)) to you........................
  14. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    She took off tonight because she didn't like my rules. We are her surety, she breaches! The police did nothing, so I am trying to teach her that there are consequences, so I said she is on " house arrest" in my eyes. We had a nice day & then she list it! Now she's gone, again. It's storming here tonight & who knows where she is. Part of me feels like I should maybe withdraw my surety, so them she will at least have a roof over her head in custody. I know that sounds horrible, but what else can I do?? I can't even talk to my husband. He says he can't forgive me for letting her home again!! This is hell!!
  15. Rannveig

    Rannveig Member

    Yes, Proudmama, that indeed sounds like hell. No special insight and advice from here -- just warmest wishes for the strength and courage you'll need to get through this time. Having read a lot on this site I do believe in detachment, but I totally know what you mean about loving your daughter and wanting to ease the pain that underlies her behaviors. Try to be good to yourself, give yourself a little time to think, maybe ask your husband to put aside his anger for now so that you can come up with a plan together (I assume his anger is just the way he's channeling his pain, and he needs help with re-channeling). People do seem to swear by Al-Anon, and couple's therapy can help, too (I even went with my already-ex-husband for a few sessions and found it worthwhile). But start just by being kind to yourself and trying to get a good night's sleep. The answers will come. As SomewhereOutThere said, hugs and keep posting.
  16. BusyMe

    BusyMe New Member

    Hi Proudmama,

    I am so sorry for your pain. I also live in Ontario and experienced the similar issues. I want to share the key points that helped me to go through this:

    1. Nobody in this country care about you as a parent. There are help for abused woman my man, kids, dogs, cats... BUT nobody care about abused parents by teens. Police, hospital, CAS - they all have their own priorities and in many cases they even do not care about your child. Therefore, you should put yourself first. My own goal now is to raise my child till 18 without me getting into health problems or any issues with law. I will do my best to help my child BUT I will care about myself.
    2. Your marriage extremely important! My hubby is very similar and the best that I can do it not get him involved in this situation. Give him time, do not talk to him about your child, go and do something together. Wait... I know it is very hard but at least it helps in my case. My hubby will never go to any talk therapy.
    3. Learn how to stay calm in any situation. It helped me so much when I learn it. Minimum words, calm face and voice.
    4. Call police any time when the law is broken. I know many times they do nothing or may even start to accuse you but still call. Do not take very seriously when a police office tell their personal opinion. These calls might help you in the future.
    5. Keep your boundaries with your child. Only simple food and a mattress is required by law and the rest are privileges.
    6. Did you try to do drug testing? I refused to replace my child broken cell phone till the drug test become clean. It took half year till my child finally agreed on test and took another several months till the test come clean. You can buy them on amazon.
    7. Try to talk to your child friend parents. I found that at least some parents are reasonable and can help. Some are useless and allow drug usage in their garages and basements. But at least you can state your opinion about drugs and let them know that your are working with police.
    8. There are several parent groups of trouble teens here in ontario. I suggest you to try them. It helped me!
    9. Try to bind with your child when she is not under influence. Try to make her talk about anything and just sit and listen, listen and listen and do not judge at all. This was the first step for us.
    10. There are several agencies here in Ontario that work with trouble teens. Look at 360kids. Most of them just do counselling that my child refused but some helps with part-time job, help with youth housing.

    Good luck and put yourself first!
  17. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thank you so much!!! I am going to put your suggestions to good use!! I'm so grateful for this forum! I too believe no one really cares about the parents!! The police included!!
  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Have you called the police to let them know that she has run away?

    I would consider removing your 'surety'. I'm not entirely clear on what that means according to your law, but maybe that is the way to go. If she is in custody, she won't be doing drugs and hanging out on the streets.

    I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

  19. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Have you called the police to let them know that she has run away?

    I would consider removing your 'surety'. I'm not entirely clear on what that means according to your law, but maybe that is the way to go. If she is in custody, she won't be doing drugs and hanging out on the streets.

    I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.