Ultimatum

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tired mama, Aug 11, 2018.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Hi just a refresher about grandchildren and ex daughter in laws. daughter in law 1 mother of my GD has always given me access to her . does not put my son down in front of her. Allows her to see him when she or he wants if he is being ok. He has never hurt her or for the most part acted out in front of her. Except for a fight with daughter in law no2. Mother of my grandson. No 1 has cleaned up her life ex addict and other than the usual generational differences we get along well. daughter in law 2 used to get along, very manipulative has done everything in her power to punish my son. Kicked him out on a Friday had another live in on monday he didnt work had another within a week . he is still there. She was convicted of selling drugs and was an addict. My son paid for her lawyer. She felt he worked too much. I took a break from seeing my grandson because i felt i was being put in the middle he accuses me of being her friend she makes it sound like i am taking her side when i am not.

    I get an ultimatem from her saying this will be my last chance to have a relationship with my grandson but i am not allowed to mention my son and alot of other requirements. I want to see my grandson and was hoping that they would work something out if i stayed out of it. But she wants everyone to believe she is mother of the year and boyfriend is mr wonderful. I was told he was an addict but cant confirm. She has had affairs when married to my son as well. I resent the tone of the letter basically trying to guilt me into seeing my grandson on her terms which i feel are unreasonable. She also wants me to explain my relationships with my son, daughter in law 1 and an explanation as to my reasoning. If i say something she doesn't like she will not allow me to see my grandson. The reason i stopped as i said is in the hopes that if they couldnt put me in the middle they would figure it out. Not going to happen. I did not wish to make it permanent. I would like some advice.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she has custody there are only two options. One is to do what she says and see grandson. The other is to do what you feel is right but maybe not see grandson.

    Whoever has main custody holds the cards. Regardless of her not being a good wife, and she wasnt, your son is in jail and was not a good husband or father. He has no say. Grandparents have no rights. This often breaks our hearts. And it can put us at the mercy of the custodial parent who is simetimes our own child!!

    It is really up to your son to get out, clean up his life and get some custody and then you can see your grandson when he has him. Your son is the factor here. He has no custody due to his situation and the mom holds the cards.

    I am sorry you are being punished and controlled. So many of us are.

    Forgive me if I have the story wrong and your son is not in jail! Regardless whoever has major custody runs things and ex is within her rights to hook up with a bad boyfriend without being penalized. If your son isnt in jail he can go back to court to modify custody. He can try for 50/50.

    There are so many posters with the word tired in the name that I confuse you!

    Love and light!
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    My son was in jail is out now but has a case pending. I actually thought about changing my name maybe i should.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I wrote a big long reply but I lost all of it. I even wrote an outline. This was among the weirder stories I have read here. She is a real nut. I am sorry to be so blunt. But I have never felt so compelled to write an outline in response to a post. It even had bullet points.

    The gist of my lost reply: this woman is a piece of work.

    The only way to do this is to not take her personally. She cannot insist upon what she asks, that you justify relationships to her. She and no other person has the right to request that.

    But the thing is, you want a relationship with grandson and you want to protect him to the extent you can.

    I would suggest you stay engaged, and try as best you can, to stay focused, in the present, non judgmental, and accepting. I do not believe that Buddha himself could have done this with this lady, but you might.

    Anybody would resent her. She is controlling. Actually, she is unhinged in my view. But these kinds of evaluations will only make it harder for you.

    I would try as best I can to stay focused on the well-being of my grandson, and keep her peripheral. She is just the long, disgusting drive you have to take to get to him. Any whack job thing she says, I would try to ignore. Just focus on him. If she demands you respond say, I love you, Honey, and I love him (her). Period. Try to turn every single thing she says around to the positive.

    And when she says nut job dramatic stuff like ultimatums, I would consider the source. She is only trying to be abusive to you. This is a power play. I would be in a great deal of pain, because I would know that my grandson had to deal with this too. She reminds me a lot of Swots ex daughter in law, mother of Swots grandson. They have a lot of similarities.

    The hard thing will be the very real and legitimate responses you have to her intrusive, irresponsible, problematic and selfish behavior. But the reality is your grandson will need you, so that he does not have to deal with her alone. That is the really unfortunate situation you find yourself in. I would try to make it my priority, and try to have a great deal of self-compassion, because I would be doing a very hard thing.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree it will be very difficult to act nice. She may get mad because i will not answer some of her questions and not let me see him anyway. Thank you for your support you made me feel better because i feel that way about her as well.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think Copa gave good advice although she can pull grandson from you even if you are nice to her. She may question him about what you have told him and he is little. He will tell her what he remembers

    We adopted a six year old boy from Asia who lived in an orphanage and has attachment disorder. I recommend anyone who adopts to adopt a baby. They can bond tightly. Most older adoptees are too damaged to bond the right way.

    Son married and left our family which he never thought of as family ( he actually seriously asked his adopted sister to marry him!) She was mortified. To this day it still grosses her out. It has been over ten years.

    After he and his in my opinion vile wife left us all behind, he had two babies and would not allow anyone to see them except my ex. Ex and I are still friendly and trust me ex doesnt see the boys often,but just enough that ex doesnt write that son out of his will.He has a lot of money. Thus the minor contact. Son loooooves money and makes a lot but wants more.

    Grandparents have no rights....parents first and only unless the rights of the parent ate terminated. I never have seen them which I feel is better than having seen them then having them ripped away.

    It is what it is. And in this case, it sucks.
     
  7. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Oh my - talk about being between a rock and a hard place. Horrible. This sounds like the kind of stuff I will be up for if my daughter's pregnancy claims are true.

    I agree with Copa and SWOT. I hate when people use children as emotional weapons. Talk about mass destruction. And who loses? The child.

    I'm not in your shoes (not a grandma yet) so it's hard to give advice but my heartstrings would be pulled to my grandchild and I would probably suck it up and, within reason, try to have the best relationship with my grandchild. But there may come a point when you have to walk away from the trainwreck.

    Hugs to you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the decision is made for you. Fortunately I have two wonderful grands I see and we plan to get to know St. Louis grand better by RV traveling to Missoiri now that we retired.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018 at 7:21 PM
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Thank you i have to sit down with hubby tomorrow and carefull answer her letter. It does not help that i talked to son and he was trying to connect and she told him a list of demands and when he gave her as much as he could she immediately blocked his no. as soon as she had the stuff. According to court he is supposed to be able to call him whenever he wants she won't allow it.
     
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    So...who exactly is the grandchild supposed to think you are? This nice lady who is called grandma, but not his mom's mother...so ...who? I mean, it's far different to not constantly talk about "Daddy loves you and wants to see you" and slipping up and saying, "Oh! I took your Dad there when he was your age."

    I'm so sorry. You are between a rock and a hard place. I agree with Copa. Killing her with kindness may be all you can do here.

    This, however, may not be 100% accurate, depending on where you live. Some states give grandparent's rights. If you have the wherewithal, you may want to quietly consult a lawyer and see if you have any options legally.

    Hoping the best comes of this bad situation...Lil