Back Home-Time limit?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by skittles, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. skittles

    skittles Member

    my adult son (32) was just kicked out by his girlfriend, he has a part time job that he doesnt make much effort to get enough hours to pay his bills or afford rent but has very unrealistic expectations of what he can find. I told him he needs to find a room to rent as i beleive thsts all he can afford, he insists he needs a private apartment so his kids have somewhere to visit him. Also everytime i mention about looking for a place he gets angry and has some excuse as to why he hasnt had time. Its only been a few days so maybe im expecting too much too soon? I told him he has two weeks as i think thats eniugh to find a room(i live in a student area that has a lot of single rooms for rent) however part of me feels guilty as he is my son and it seems cold to expect him out in two weeks. Im going on a trip with a friend in two weeks and quite honestly dont quite trust him innthe house when im not home due to his behaviour in younger days. Two weeks is not enough time to find an apartment but it is for a room. Thus he says its not enough time. Am i being unreasonable with a two week deadline for a 32 year old?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He is 32, not 12. Approaching middle age. Although he has kids , he apparently doesnt work enough to support them. Who does? Mom? She must love this.

    There is nothing cold about telling a grown 32 year old man to leave, get a full time job, and grow up. We are not supposed to house snd pay their bills forever. Or their kids. If we do they stay immature.

    It is up to you but he to me is the cold one to expect aging parents, who have worked hard all their lives, to still be Mommy and Daddy. Unless he is physically or mentally unable to work there is a full time job he can do, like his peers. Living in a room is fine if he doesnt want to work hard enough to get a better place.

    I am sorry for your sad situation. I hope it works out...but that is largely up to him and what you will tolerate in your home.

    I would NOT allow him in your house unsupervised while tou travel. Let him find some couches to sleep on. Our kids are good at couch surfing. There are also homeless shelters.

    Remember, your well being matters as much as his. Be good to YOU!

    Love and light!!!!
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    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
  3. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Sorry I don't know the background to give informed thoughts. But your house, your rules. You don't owe a 32 yr old a roof. And you certainly shouldn't give him run of the house while you're away. Lock the doors, turn on the alarm and put your house on the cop's watch list. Period.

    The point here is that a temporary place to stay is a hotel, not Mom's. He doesn't need to worry today about an independent apt he needs a bed and a roof for a night.

    One thing you might use as leverage, if you choose, is to let him stay with kids for the custody weekends. For a period of months anyway. Contingent on him finding a room now. Don't comply with Mom's rules now Mom's visitation weekends not an option.

    Living in a college town myself with similar sons, yes there are rooms. But here those aren't easy to find for an adult who works part time with a spotty history. Lots for college students under 23. Older adults not so easy. Not that I'd let mine back in my house. But the reality may not be as easy as you think. There are homeless shelters!
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  4. skittles

    skittles Member

    Thankyou soo much, in my brain i know the time limit is not just reasonable but necessary to put the responsibilty on him where it belongs but in my heart is always that guilt and doubt, i like many here have struggled with detaching from my difficult child
  5. skittles

    skittles Member

    Yes i did offer to him and Childrens aid who are involved with the childrens mom that i would host visits, his history is a long story, suffice to say in prison twice and 5 children, and the childrens mom is as difficult as he is, between them all Ive spent much time in therapy learning to detach and am feeling panic almost with him here that I will lose all my hardwon peace, its partly why im struggling with wondering if Im being unreasonable, is a two week limit reasonable or is it a selfish choice so i dont have to deal with him.So I thankyou for your imput as even though I recognize some of this is perhaps my self interest, on the other hand thats my right as he does have options, it wouldnt be his first time in a shelter!
  6. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    This post scares the heck out of me! My son is 21, almost 22. I can not imagine still going through this bull in 10 years!
    I think a time limit is totally reasonable. Even without the back story, it seems these people--our grown children are essentially strangers to us,they claim us as their parents when it suits them.
    I don't want a stranger living in my house and I sure wouldn't give a stranger free run when I am away from home.
  7. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    But remember that if he wants to see the kids he follows your rules. Now you'll find out how important those visits are. Homeless shelter during the week so I get to see my kids on weekends vs not seeing my kids? Sign me up for that shelter!

    When he was in HS you wouldn't leave him home alone while you went away. Sadly, he doesn't deserve any more trust today. Don't feel guilty about not giving him trust he has had 15 years to earn. He didn't earn it!

    Selfish to want to keep what you have worked for while he has been not even supporting his kids? I don't think so!!
  8. skittles

    skittles Member

    Tired Out, i just replied to your therapist question lol. Its funny about another ten years scaring the heck out of you, i clearly remember holding my son in my arms when he was born thinking in fear, omg the next 18 years of my life are gone!, oh if i only knew how niave that was!
  9. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I’ll throw my two cents in in agreement with others and I think your own instincts - you do not owe him a place to stay longer than you already are, and if he wants something more than a rented room he’ll have to work harder to make enough money to be able to afford it on their own. I always tell mine if something isn’t all you can afford than by definition it is not ‘beneath you’. It is exactly what you have earned by your current life choices.

    Letting him stay longer may also just get you in more or a legal mess if it muddies the waters between guest and a tenant with legal rights. Depending on your state tenants rights can come up even without paying rent and having a lease, as I understand it. He is a guest right now. Keep it that way.

    If he doesn’t find something before your trip, that’s what economotels are for. If you’re feeling generous and it greases the wheels, maybe you want to pay half for another week there while you’re gone if he can’t afford it on his own. Or, as others have suggested, there are always shelters if need be. But he’s going to have to get a second job or look for something full time and higher paying if he wants more out of life. You are not responsible for filling in the gaps between what he has earned for himself and what he somehow feels he deserves. You’ve done enough.
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, skittles

    What would the outcome be if you let him stay four weeks? Six? Twelve?

    Would some great apartment become available that he can afford on his part-time income, without security deposits, utility deposits, etc? What about furnishings, basic kitchen items, sheets and towels? Does he have the money to buy everything he needs for an apartment.

    He is not working hard to find a full-time job or a place he can reasonably afford.

    That is why he gets angry at you when you inquire about his progress.

    Doesn’t sound like he has any plans to leave on his own, unless he can find another girlfriend or friend to sponge off of.

    Stick to your original offer of two weeks in your home. If you don’t, you will have a much harder time getting him out.

    Let us know how it goes.

  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Skittles, these kinds of choices are heavy on our minds. Given what you've mentioned about your hard won peace, your lack of trust to leave him in your home unsupervised, your knowledge and history of understanding that your son does not work harder to improve his status at work and his anger at wanting an apartment he can't afford versus another option, it may be time to let him know that he is an adult man and he needs to find his own way. If he is already balking about the 2 weeks you've offered, why do you think once he is in your home that he will respect and honor your time demands?

    Why is it selfish for you to determine that this is what YOU want? The person being selfish here is not you, it is your son who is demanding special treatment for himself and his kids and gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants. You are simply preserving your peace and your well being, there's nothing selfish about that, that is self love, self respect and self care.

    How do you suppose you will get your son to leave in the 2 weeks? Have you had success with that in the past? Does he keep those kind of commitments of time? You are leaving on a trip, if he stays with you and won't leave before you go on your trip, will you be able to relax and enjoy yourself with him in your home unsupervised? If not, it may be prudent for you to think this through in a different way which puts the focus on what it is that YOU need and want.

    I've been put in this unfortunate place with my grown daughter as well. It was always difficult. However, eventually I chose to NOT step in and to allow her to find her own way. It is remarkable how resourceful our kids are.....once we step out of the way, they manage to find options. It may not be what WE want for them, but it is THEIR life, their choice, not ours. It was a while before that change worked with my daughter, but eventually, she stopped looking to me as the default answer.

    We get caught in these patterned behaviors where we react without thinking it through to include our own desires, wants and needs. If you step back and consider the whole issue and what it is you truly want you may be able to perceive the situation differently and respond differently.

    These are very tough choices. There are no right or wrong answers, we all find our own way. My one suggestion is for you to put your needs as the priority knowing that you matter and deserve a life of peace....and your son needs to find his way for his own self respect and self love.

    Take gentle, nurturing care of yourself........
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Your purpose on earth is not to support your adult able bodied son. You are not helping him by making things easy for him. He should be helping YOU because you're surely at an age where you have raised your kids already! It's up to him to find HIS WAY not you.

    I do hope that you find the strength to live a life that is meaningful and happy for YOU.

    If you pray, I would pray that you are given the strength to put yourself first. Your son has to figure this out on his own. Go enjoy your vacation!!

  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Skittles,

    Here's my two cents.
    Your son is 32, he a grown man that should not be moving back home. He should not have put you in the situation to let him. I get it, your heart wants to help him but sometimes helping isn't helping. I could see it if he was responsible, paying rent and the apt. caught fire but that's not what happened. His girlfriend kicked him out.
    I think 2 weeks is very generous of you. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. This is of his doing not yours.

    This really concerns me. I can only tell you what I would do and the first thing I would do after he's out is change the lock on my house. I would also tell him he is not to be there when you are not home. I would call the local police station and alert them, they can do drive by's to check on your house. Also, let your neighbors know that you will be gone.
    You are not unreasonable to give him a 2 week deadline.
    Please do not allow your emotions to rule here. Of course you love him and worry about him but he's a 32 year old man. He is not a child who needs's mommy to take care of him.

    What is your plan to have if he does not find a place to live in 2 weeks? I don't mean to be harsh and this is only a suggestion but if he wont' leave on his own you might consider having an officer come to your home to remove him. Tell the officer you have an unwanted person in your home that refuses to leave. You don't want him staying there long enough to establish tenancy as then you would have to go through an eviction process. I also would not allow him to receive any mail at your home.

    I know this is hard. I've been right there where you are now. Remember, you do not owe your son anything and don't let him try to make you think you do.

    Please let us know how things are going.
  14. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I'm in a similar boat with my son who will be 30 in March, other than he's not staying with us, either short or long term. What struck me most about your post is your misgiving about leaving him alone in your home while you are away. I am right there with you. Knowing my son, I dread to think what I would find when I got back. Trashed home because he's a slob and/or had friends over to party. Missing valuables. You name it. Go with your gut on this. I hope you can find a solution and don't end up having to choose between leaving your son at home or canceling your plans. Good luck!
  15. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    When my daughter was 20 and got out of a week in the psychiatric ward (and had a 1 year old) I let her stay at my house. The rule was she had to have a job in 2 weeks and pay me 30% of her income, even if it was $5.00. She did it. Any time she has come to my house I lay down the law about working. I have ended up throwing her out for other reasons, but she always had a job. Being an adult means working, paying bills, providing for your children. Nobody ever starts out with their dream job, but any job is a step in the right direction and 2 weeks is plenty of time to get some kind of job. Good luck. I know this is a rough road.
  16. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    I agree with everyone. I have no problem with the advice to skittles.

    However, I disagree with absolutes. Two weeks may be plenty of time to get a job in one area. But other areas and other circumstances may require different time frames. Felons can have extraordinary difficulty. Small towns with limited employers may not have openings. There are great jobs near me that require start or end times when public transit isn't running, that's why these jobs are available. I just think that absolutes are a mistake. If it were me I'd check with the local sober living programs to see what their rules are. They have the current experience to know what is realistic.
  17. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    That's true. When my son moved up to the Chicago area he had several job offers within a couple of days. Down here he's had one. But he's also limiting himself to decent paying jobs with benefits. There are plenty of places, fast food, etc., that are almost always hiring but he thinks because he has a year or so of banking experience they are beneath him so he's not made any attempt to go that route. I would say maybe extend the deadline if it appears he is truly making a concerted effort, with the understanding that he might have to take a job at Burger King until a better job comes along. Any income is better than no income. And because most food service or convenience store jobs are part time and/or flexible schedules, that would also give him an opportunity to keep looking for something better.

    At one point, before I had met my husband, my son moved out to stay with a friend but soon got tired of sleeping on their couch and asked to come back home. I gave him three weeks to find a job and start contributing to household expenses or he would need to leave again. I saw no evidence of him trying to get any job of any kind. Trying to enforce the "three weeks or get out" rule turned into an ongoing nightmare that I won't go into now but my point is that had he made a sincere attempt to find work and there was simply no work to be be found I would have given him additional time.
  18. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I agree that two weeks may not be enough to find a job and housing. But the bottom line is skittles does not feel comfortable having him in her house while she is gone. She does not trust him based on his past history. And none of us owe anyone a place in our homes if they make us feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Also the longer he stays the more likely he will have some form of tenants rights and the harder it will be to get him out. If it were me for these reasons I would rather help him get set up elsewhere than let him stay there longer. It may be tough for son to get established, but he put himself in this situation and skittles deserves to feel comfortable in her home and be able to travel without worrying about what he is doing unsupervised.
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  19. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I understand that strict time limits may not work for everyone but everyone has their own set of circumstances. There is not one size fits all when it comes to dealing with adult children that are not being responsible with their lives.
    Elsi says it perfectly here.
    I also know that if you do not give a specific time frame it leaves to much open on the other end, which for some parents has turned into months and years of their adult child living in their home and sponging off of them. My very dear neighbors experienced this with their own son. The continued to enable him, even to the point they were paying his child support payments. They kept refinancing their house to get money. In the end, after being in their home for 25 years they were foreclosed on. They now live in their motor home and low and behold, their son has had to figure out life for himself.
    No parent should risk losing their home or what they have saved for retirement to try and help an adult child that should be doing for themselves.
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  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I couldnt agree more with Tania. I personally would not go too far to help an adult kid who screwed up. I dont think it works and I dont see difficult kids as being there for us if we are living in our motor home or van. They tend to be selfish and not care all that much about our welfare. Most are happy to bleed us dry for their desires...few get on their feet because we give them our money. I know of one woman who lost her home because of her adult childs drugging and other stuff in her house. The woman, a widow, was charged with crimes too that she didnt know were going on under her roof. She is 77 now. Guess how oftlen her daughter visits her and how often she lets her see her granddaughter who she once cared for? She is now living with her sister. This is heinous in my opinion. Why is her daughter so mad? Because due to the nonsense in her mothers house the boyfriend of hers who also lived there is in jail. Or was

    Tough love doesnt help many, even most adults who are off the rails. Its for us as well as hopefully them.

    But it worked in less than a year for my precious daughter. She is doing great as is my grandchild.

    Some adults do as little as they have to.

    I believe we need to think of oursrlves top and just pray a lot.

    Love and light!
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2018