Freedom -- Just got back from the airport!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Estherfromjerusalem, Feb 22, 2011.

  1. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    I have been controlling myself so hard for the last few days. difficult child has gone, he has a visa for a year, is allowed to work, and we have just got back from the airport. He is on his way to Australia. Yes, to the other side of the world. He is realizing a dream, and by so doing is letting me realize a dream, which is to be without him. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but I'm not sure I even know how to live life without a difficult child around all the time. It will take me a while to get used to not having the constant interruptions and tensions. I know this is very self-centered of me, but it is just thrilling. He is 24 and a half, and has been living at home, he has been working very conscientiously. Let's just say, just the fact that I don't have to wake him up in the mornings is freedom. I know, I know, you will say that I didn't have to wake him up, and I should have let him suffer his own consequences. Quite right too. But you know, when you get up in the morning and it is 8 o'clock, and he is asleep, and then it is 8:30, and every day, day in day out, you know he has to get up for work -- well, I couldn't just carry on with my day and not wake him up. So for starters I won't have that hanging over me.

    I don't think I have to explain to you, my "family," what it means not to have him around. I have to be very careful who I say that to. Most people around me just don't understand. I think my other children do understand -- they know him too well. But even so -- well, let's just say, I hope it won't take me too long to get used to having some peace and quiet.

    OK, nuff said about that now. Just wanted to share that with you all.

    Love, Esther
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    been there done that and understand your sense of freedom, Esther. Enjoy!

    What if, a month from now, he says he wants to come home? Do you have a Plan B? I always had to have a Plan B with Rob.

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm jealous. My difficult child hasn't lived home in 6 years and he just stayed at my house for 2 nights for the first time in many many years, and it brought back all that stress of having him around. I love him with all my heart, but I could never ever live with him again. And even though he doesn't live with me, I would still be thrilled if he were moving far away to do something positive with his life where I didn't have to worry about him!!
    And yes, you can't say that to people who have normal families and normal children, because they just wouldn't understand......
  4. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I LOVE it and of course you love him.

    It's my dream too. I have some years to go, but await with anticipation.

    Enjoy, Esther, you deserve it! :congrats:
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Houseparty time!
  6. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying. Suz, I don't have a plan B. Because if he says he wants to come home, he will come home. Our approach all these years has been to be as un-confrontational as we could, and to support him. He is not an extreme case of ODD, and as the years go by we see a (very gradual) improvement, and I know that if we hang in there long enough, he will be OK in the end. Yes, I wonder just how long he will be able to last there. We will just have to wait and see.

    It's so comforting to be able to say what I truly feel, here, and to know that you understand.

    Love, Esther
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Congratulations!!! Does he know any one over there? Does he have a job already lined up? A place to live?
  8. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    His first cousin went out there about five months ago, got a job (building wooden fences), an apartment, bought a car. He has now decided he has had enough, so my difficult child is taking over the job, the apartment and the car. His cousin is going to meet him at the airport. My difficult child is really lucky. Even so, I think he is really brave to go out on his own, so far away. His cousin will be with him for about two weeks and then is planning to leave, go to Thailand for a couple of weeks and then come back home to Israel. In the meantime I am sure difficult child will make some friends and start making a life for himself. He arranged Skype for my on my computer, and my husband bought a camera and microphone for the Skype, so difficult child will be able to be in touch with us (husband has Skype on his computer already). It's going to be interesting to see how he gets on. I'm going to sleep now, and I'm looking forward to getting up in the morning knowing that I don't have to worry about difficult child waking up and getting to work! Good night.

    Love, Esther
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yay Esther!!!! Congrats on your new found freedom!! Enjoy it to the hilt you certainly deserve it.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Enjoy, certainly deserve the peaceful quiet!
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Well, for however long he is gone? I think that some of the time or any of the time that he and you can see how it is away from each other is good. Neither of you will ever know unless it's tried. So this is good. Also, it seems that he is not flying off to some foreign land willy-nilly without a plan, money or housing - so I think this is good. Good for both of you. Quite a long way to stretch ones legs - but then again, should any problems arise? He won't exactly have Mom right there to figure it out for him will he? No, so this is again - good. Proud of him, and happy for you.

    And like KT said - you certainly deserve the peaceful home - how do you say that again? Ah yes - Shalom! lol
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    How Wonderful!!!!! It is awesome that he is striking out to realize a dream - that is just amazing!!!

    Even more amazing is that you now get peace and quiet!!!! Treasure it!

    Don't apologize for waking him up each day. If it was a way to make your day more peaceful then it is fine. Any of us can say that it isn't the way to handle things, but we don't live with the full picture that you live with - and if the hassle of waking him up is worth the peace it gains in your life - go for it and don't ever apologize.

    When I was in high school my brother would not wake up for anything. Even a super loud alarm was not enough. Not being drunk or stoned when he went to sleep would have helped, but what did I know? I was just the dumb little sister/exaggerating daughter.

    My parents did all sorts of things to help him get up on time. they didn't wake him daily, but for important things they would. My dad even wired several different alarm clocks to be super loud. All that did was irritate ME and make me a witch for the day - esp as he would hit the snooze buttom over and over. After several months of this we came to an agreement. I would wake him up in the morning and he would pay me $1 per day to do this. I would go in ONE time and wake him up - no snooze reminders and no blaming me if he didn't get up or didn't remember me coming in. I never skipped it.

    I had the BEST job, in my opinion. Cause the ONLY way to be safe and wake him up did NOT involve touching him - he woke up swinging his fist and had since he was in early elem school. No one ever knew why.

    He slept on a couch because he hated mattresses and moved an old couch into his room. I stood behind it and would pour water onto him. Each night I would fill a jar with ice and then water and put it into the fridge. I would stand behind the couch and pour a thin stream onto his chest (he slept with no shirt on). It worked wonders and was such FUN!!! AND he could NOT get mad or take revenge because he was PAYING me to do it!!!!

    Thrilled my mother no end because she didn't have to deal with his fussing because he was late or whatever. It is HARD to sleep through ice water being poured onto you, lol!!

    So don't apologize for waking him up!!! Just chuckle at my bro who paid me to do this for about six months, lol!!

  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am so happy for all of you. It will be wonderful if he discovers he has more strength than he believes he has. It's possible. Obviously it is also possible that it may not work out but for the time being you have well deserved freedom.

    by the way, you may find that the household dynamics change rather radically. husband and I have had about five months with an empty nest and we have been surprised at the adaptations it has required. Our marriage has been centered around the kids for almost thirty five years and as a result we haven't retained our focus as a couple. Fortunately we love each other but it's been a little bit like a new marriage. Silly as it sounds mealtimes, evening activities, even bedtime patterns are now different. Some changes have been positive. It will be interesting! Enjoy the freedom. DDD
  14. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Susie, thanks for that input. Waking someone else up in the morning is not such a simple task, but only those who have lived with it for years can appreciate just how wearying it can become. Sounds like you had fun when you were young, waking up your brother -- with ice water! Ouch! I won't bother you with the details, but it is very nice not to be shouted at or sworn at first thing in the morning. This morning was the first time, and it was lovely not to have to get into that tension.

    DDD, I hear what you say. I can't say I am worried about it, but yes, slightly apprehensive. I'm sure we will work everything out. We are both out of the house a lot of the time, each one of us at our own work. Although he is officially retired and getting a pension, he is working at something completely different and enjoying it. The main thing for me is that during the days I am at home, he is out at work. That makes it all feasible. We will adjust. Several of our other kids pop in a lot during the week as well, so we will not be lonely!

    I know it sounds strange, but now he has gone, I feel I need the support of my board "family" more than before. I suppose because it is a time of adjustment. Thanks all, just for being there.

    Love, Esther
  15. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Star, you are right, whichever way I look at it, it is good. In any case, he is 24 now and old enough to make his own life. Australia is really a long way away, but these days with phones and Skype and facebook no one is really far away any more. He already phoned from Bangkok to say he was fine, and also posted on Facebook from Bangkok. Now he is on a flight from Bangkok to Sydney. I know he will be fine.

    Yes, Shalom means peace. Come and visit me, Star. I'll have you speaking modern Hebrew in a few hours, you already are good at it!

    Love, Esther
  16. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Esther, I have been MIA lately but I saw this post.
    First, I am so glad for you. I remember rather vividly the feel of the weight off my shoulders when difficult child was away for a summer. I was as giddy as teenager.
    husband and I used that time to do things we enjoyed and traveled a bit more than usual just to appreciate the freedom and the lightness of spirit.
    It does change the dynamics of the house and I thought it required a little adjustments.

    You are right between cell phones, skype and e mail, I talk to my difficult child almost every day. I didn't relinquish loving him or even some parenting but really don't miss the day to day dealings with difficult child. I actually have a better relationship since I don't have to feel frustrated that he is making a mess or doesn't clean up behind himself or is intrusive.

    I hope you enjoy this time and appreciate the peace. I am grateful every day for the peace I feel when not parenting difficult child in our home.
    Life is short and I want it to be a good one and not one full of confrontation, drama and general upheaval that difficult child's seem to bring like a cloud.

    Enjoy your peace.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Esther, I bet your "need for the Board" is based on the fear that difficult child will not blossom in his new environment and you'll be facing a new set of challenges. As Karen posted yesterday or today the fear is "will it ever end?" Board members understand that fear and are always around to lend the emotional support that comes from parenting difficult child's. It sure is a long hard road. Hugs DDD
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Congrats, Esther & enjoy the new found freedom!
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Good for you, Esther! I'd be doing the happy dance!
  20. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I get it. You aren't being self-centered for wanting a bit of peace and normalcy in your life. Congratulations to your difficult child for taking this step. I hope it's a new beginning for him ...and for you.