Need help with step to take next

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by HMBgal, Oct 20, 2017.

  1. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Hello my online go-to people. I just found out today that a parent of a 7-year old boy in my neighborhood has been having some behavior problems and his school recommended therapy for him. The little boy says my grandson exposed to him to some really nasty porn in June. Grandson has done this before over a year ago and we shut him down hard. We thought it was over, but this event supposedly happened in June of this year. The mother is saying the child is traumatized by the visions of anal and vaginal penetration.

    The mother, a therapist herself, is being really cool about it but I can't even look at my grandson right now. He's in school, I haven't told my husband yet. We are pretty much pariahs in our neighborhood now because of his behaviors, where we raised our kids and we have always been well-respected. Now the neighbors are all talking about grandson.

    This isn't cute little boy shenanigans. This is scary and awful, I cannot imagine how to live here and go forward. I know that grandson will deny it until the cows come home. But I kind of believe it may be possible. I don't know who to contact. His psychiatrist at Kaiser is mostly concerned about which drugs to give him in her 10 minutes meetings with him once every three months. I'm hurting, I'm trying to figure out how to tell my husband and have put it off for hours because it's going to kill him inside.

    We always trusted grandson with the little kids. With his immature social skills, he gets along with them and they look up to him. Now this. I'm devastated.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    First off, hon, how old is your grandson?

    A relative did this to Princess when he was a teenager. I didnt know. She never told me back then. I have always found therapy helpful for everything if you find the right person.

    I would probably start with a psychologist because this is a big deal and they have Ph.Ds, thus more education than other therapists. Id make sure it was a male so he could relate better. I would want to talk to psycholovist in advance to make sure he sounded knowlegeable and non judgmental toward you. This is NOT about you. It should focus on helping grandson, not bashing you. I have been in therapy most of my life and although I had a few lemons, i dumped them FAST...first inkling that therspist was not for me...and really did not have trouble finding kind helpcul ones.

    If CPS was not called, expect a visit. It is the price of getting help. Any therapist is a mandated reporter. So are teachers. If they find out stuff like this, they could get in trouble if they dont report it. (As I tgpe this I am sad that I know so muh about this stuff.) I am not sure if this counts as being a predator or not. Either way, grandson needs a lot of treatment. You dont know how often he has done this or to whom. We never know that.

    Your neighbors are insignificant. Block them out and deal later. Yes, its embarassing but there will be new drama next week.

    Good luck!
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so, so sorry HMB, you've already been thru so much.

    My understanding of this kind of thing is that in order for your grandson to be a perpetrator, he most likely has already been a victim, I don't believe these episodes happen in a vacuum. As awful as it is that he exposed another child to inappropriate visuals, he may have been exposed himself.

    I am a member of Kaiser as well, so I know what you are addressing, his Psychiatrist will administer drugs, that's the focus. Perhaps the Mental Health part of Kaiser can set you up with a family therapist whom he can see regularly. I just found out that Kaiser here in No. CA. offers EMDR which is a form of therapy used for trauma, it has a high success rate, you might look in to that, your grandson may benefit from it and apparently it's a shorter term therapy.

    In Kaiser up here, you usually have a once a month appointment with the family therapist and then get added to a group. I don't know if it's the same for children. If it is, you might consider stepping out of Kaiser and seeking help for your grandson elsewhere, it sounds as if he needs support.

    I've found 2 sites to be helpful in finding therapy, and the psychology today website which offers therapists in your area. With some research you may find a child therapist who deals with sexual predatory issues in young children. As awful as what the behavior suggests, your grandson may be a victim as well and be in need of help.

    I empathize with you about the neighbors and their judgements. That is so hard. No one knows the inner workings of your family but of course, as humans, we are quick to judge and quick to condemn. But there is more going on then anyone understands you move thru this, hold your head up high and ignore the judgements (as hard as I know that to be).....your grandson deserves a chance to redeem himself or be found not guilty......

    I'm so sorry HMB, with all you've had on your plate for so long, this has got to feel like the topper......on an already overfilled plate.

    Take care of yourself. This is very hard.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Most predators were also victims. So they need help on both ends. Having been through it, there is nothing fun or easy about it. CPS was oddly our biggest help...but we had younger kids at home and they were everyones main focus. I dont know if grandson lives with you or with other younger kids, but if so...find out if he did this to them (they may be too embarassed or traumatized to tell) but everyone needs and husband too. Family therapy in my opinion helps tons.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi HMB,

    Sorry that you are having to deal with this....

    How is your granddaughter doing?

    Do you know if your grandson has exposed her to these types of things?
  6. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Thanks all for your responses. He just turned 11. He was exposed to porn on his mother's phone through pictures she was sexting of herself a couple years ago. I don't now how graphic they were, but he told me then that he had seen this and that I had to talk to her; he was disturbed by it. She realized that he hacked into her phone and she looked at other sites he had gone to and they were pretty hard core. She said "Therapy type stuff hard core." About that time we got a call from a neighbor saying that he had shown her child porn.

    As far as our 9 year old granddaughter is concerned, she is never out of our sight. Not because we fear for her, she is just a homebody. She has great friends at school that she has play dates with. She is the coolest kid ever. Her school isn't where I live. It's in the next town over, where her mother lives. Different school district completely. She was starting to be able to play with other kids around the corner in our neighborhood, but now she's been frozen out, too, because of the talk amongst the neighbors about fears about their kids because of grandson. What happens at her mother's house I don't know, but they are there so seldom these days. It's so sad. So so sad.

    I don't know if grandson has been abused or not, I really don't. I was abused several times by strangers as a child and my parents never knew (lived on military bases, both parents non-functional and I was left alone for long periods of time and wandered about by myself). I was never physically hurt and I didn't understand at the time what was happening, but I do now. And to what extent that formed me as a child, I couldn't say.

    There are some other things with two slightly older boys (12 and 13?) that live close next to the little boy that grandson is being accused of traumatizing that we've had trouble with and that have sent nasty, bullying texts to a friend of ours that has a son with problems similar to that of my grandson. They've had smartphones for years. The parents denied it that the boys did this, even when given proof. I have given us pause to wonder if this little boy is blaming grandson to protect these other boys because their mothers are friends and neighbors. But with the history, who will believe grandson? How do I tell him he's locked down because of these accusations? I wish I could wave a magic wand and get at the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

    We are in Northern California and I will investigate the EDMR thing. What does acronym stand for?

    Grandson is in a class, for the first time, with kids with emotional and behavioral disabilities, but that are on grade level, and in are at grade level (and in his case) above academic grade level. It's 7 kids, a good mix of boys and girls. I'm in Special Education and I mostly see classes full of boys. There is a county mental health worker that is hired as an outside contractor to do 1:1 visits weekly and also facilitates groups. She has mentioned that she sees bits of bi-polar in grandson, but isn't sure. She also wonders if there has been trauma and she asked if she could do an assessment to tease that out. We now that there were some bad things that happened with his father because CPS was contacted by grandson's psychiatrists and a file opened, but the file was closed because they couldn't find anything conclusive.

    Grandson's IEP is next week and while I probably won't share this latest development, I will ask mental health worker about this assessment. Apparently certain parts of the brain are damaged with trauma and these tests (non-invasive, non-medical) can poke around that.

    When you see grandson, and talk to him, he is sweet, caring, kind, loves animals, highly protective of his sister--tattles on her if he even hears a mild swear word from a video she's watching (You Tube Kids), sensitive to other peoples' moods, etc. But then there's the ADHD, anxiety, quick to anger over any perceived slight, inability to take responsibility for his own part in any disputes. He's working so hard and we keep thinking he's getting better because we've seen so much improvement in his behavior over the last year. I'm just gobsmacked.
  7. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I Googled in and found out what the acronym stands for. I have so little faith in Kaiser's psychiatric services, but I can certainly try and throw my weight around a little.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Whew. I tbought he was 17 or so. At 11 i am not sure it is so serious. Maye he just needs to really uderstand it is wrong. Its good to be dealing with tbis at his youg age.
    Techology is lethal to our diffiult, differently wired children.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. This therapy was utilized after 911 and other disasters with great success.

    Wow, what a complicated situation. And, the judgements and blame of others just makes everything so much worse. These are children.

    I am a survivor of sexual abuse and have been involved in various therapies/groups/organizations over the years. When your grandson viewed inappropriate sexual behavior involving his mother, a boundary was crossed for him which can be quite devastating for a young child. With just that alone, I would urge therapy.

    I think there's a distinction here between what happened to your grandson via his Mother's phone and if he did in fact participate in the recent issues. It would seem he is first a victim ......and second a possible perpetrator, but you don't know that part. Apparently, the neighborhood has already convicted him which is so sad and unfortunate, however, that is out of your control. What is in your control is to get him help and take the rest one step at a time as you are. You have all the resources you need being a teacher, so you have an advantage to move thru that system somewhat easier.

    I feel such empathy for your grandson, he's still a child and for you and your husband, who are trying so hard to be there for your grandkids when the damage was done to the kids by their own parents. I can relate, having raised my granddaughter too, who had to deal with my daughter's inability to be able to successfully parent a young child. My heart goes out to you HMB.

    Take it one step at a time, you don't know the truth yet. Get him some help, have him tested, trauma absolutely impacts the growing brain.....perhaps EMDR can counteract that for him. I would agree that he has been traumatized, just on what you know about his Mom's phone.

    I'm so sorry.
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  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

  11. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    You guys are the best, truly. Such good advice. When I first heard about this, I went hot all over, dizzy, and sick to my stomach. It's so good to have you guys to bounce things off of. Thank you.
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  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    EMDR is eye movement desensitization and retraining and is often used for PTSD and other types of trauma. It might be very good for your grandson.

    Your neighbors need to be a bit more realistic. If there are 12 and 13 year olds with smartphones, it is highly likely that they are the ones exposing the child to this. Kids are not known for telling the truth, especially with adults browbeating them to "tell the truth". Parents ask the same questions over and over and over and kids change the answers until the parents are satisfied with what they say. This has been shown in study after study, it is one reason why kids are really awful witnesses in court cases. Especially if parents have questioned them even a "little" or if untrained police officers have questioned them. All questioning of children for court cases should be on video because the more you ask a child a question, the more you are telling them you don't like the answer they gave you the first time you asked the question.

    It is time to ignore your neighbors for a while. Focus on family and other friends. Be indignant that they have tried and convicted your grandson without giving him any chance to defend himself. I thought you were innocent until proven guilty in this country. Where is the proof??

    I do think you need to insist on supervising your grandson around other children for a while, especially in your neighborhood. This is to protect him, not to punish him. Who knows what the neighbors will do to him with their allegations?

    I do think he needs to see a psychologist to help deal with this. With the incident in the past, with possibly being victimized, and with the accusations in the current situation.

    There is one possible other way this situation could be happening. If your grandson is bipolar, he could have a symptom called hypersexuality. It is a very strong sex drive and it can present in children who don't really understand the social rules of sex. Sometimes it is one of the earliest symptoms to present. There was a girl at one of the daycares my oldest attended and they had to be very careful with her because she was extremely curious sexually about herself and others. In elementary school it became a real problem and in 3rd grade she was showing mood swings finally so her parents had her evaluated. She was bipolar. The mood swings were not clear the way they can be in adults, but something in her mood was really off. Mood stabilizers changed everything for the little girl.

    If your son is bipolar, he could be seeking out porn to deal with sexual urges. He might not understand that it isn't okay to show them to other people. He truly might not understand the rules. This might be a problem especially if the other kids know he did this before and they tell him that it is okay because they are older and it is okay now. He may need super clear guidelines of when it is okay to look at that sort of thing and to show it to other people. You might even want to write social stories and to role play situations so that he can become comfortable with telling people "No" when the kids try to get him into trouble this way. Kids of these ages are curious about this stuff, and they have incredible access to it thanks to the internet. Knowing they can get him into big trouble so easily would be lots of fun to some of the middle school mean kids, and he needs to be bully proofed so that he can handle those situations.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Domestic violence centers are often the only place in many areas that offer therapy for sexual predators and for victims of sexual violence. Many offer both, and offer therapy to children. I know it might be hard to accept that you need to go there for help, but it is usually free and it is often excellent. They work with kids every day and have specialized training to evaluate kids to see if they have been victimized and if they have been the predator also. Then they can offer help in each situation in many cases.
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I agree. Please don't worry about the neighbors at this point. Every family has a skeleton or two in their closet. Focus on your grandchildren instead. I think anyone who knows you well will know that you are doing your best to take charge of the situation.