Now What?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Nov 9, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    So I just found out that difficult child's charges were dismissed today and he's being released from jail. I've been calling and calling and haven't gotten any answer until today. The lady I spoke to was so rude! She asked if I was coming to pick him up. I explained that he was in a group home when he got arrested, he's been fully off his medications for two weeks now and is unstable, he's homeless, has no where to go after release and then I asked her "now what"? The answer I got was "not our problem".

    His CMO worker is calling now. I hope he's able to find someone who understands the situation and can help. There are shelters he can go to near the jail but I'm afraid that he'll use poor judgement especially since he's off all medications. I'm afraid he'll try to come here or hurt himself or get hurt.

    Having a MAJOR panic attack right now!
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Deep breaths. Let the CMO worker do the legwork here, and take it one step at a time. Try not to think too far ahead.

    I don't have any specific advice beyond that, but hopefully some others will come along soon who've dealt with this before... just wanted you to know I'd seen this and I'm thinking about you.
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks CrazyinVA. I appreciate it. I'm trying to be calm. Breathing in and out - not doing it very well but trying!!!
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JKF, I'm just leaving my office, however, I recall you were going to get an alarm system, possibly a restraining order, did you do those? Are you concerned for your safety? Remember to keep the cell phone near you. Is husband home yet?

    Yes, take deep breaths. As you encountered I've never had anyone at the jail be anything but obnoxious so I understand their lack of any compassion for you and how that makes you feel.

    I'm sorry, you've been through a lot lately. As CiV said, just take it one moment at a time and keep taking deep breaths! I have no pearls of wisdom as to what you can do, just wanted you to know I'm 'out here' thinking about you and sending you hugs..........keep us posted, I'll be checking in later.....................
  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    RE- we did get an alarm but no restraining order. In all honesty I don't think he's coming here. Well not tonight anyway. He's 3 hours away in PA and not even released yet. My biggest worry is where will he go? It's cold, he has no coat, no money, nothing.

    I am strangely calm all of a sudden. I just realized I have to STOP freaking out. Yes he's my son and I love him but this is not my situation. It's his. I have to stop thinking what if, what now, this that and the next thing and take it second by second, minute by minute. We did everything we could to get him help and he didn't want it. I have no control over his actions or this situation. Weird how I went from complete heart pounding anxiety to this realm of calmness. It's almost scary!
  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    The CMO worker was able to speak to someone at the jail. Apparently they give homeless inmates the number to the local Y and nearest homeless shelter. I hope he makes his way to one of them. It's cold out. I know he has no winter clothing. Just the clothes on his back which is probably jeans and a tshirt knowing him. Uggggh! I keep repeating over and over "this is not MY situation, it is what it is, I can't control this". It's helping me stay calm for now.

    The CMO worker said he'll be available next week to help difficult child if he wants the help. Next week seems so far away. :(
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I just put together your entire situation in my mind. Things sometimes get lost in my head. Sorry about that. Sorry they let him out of jail to be honest, it was probably the best place for him in this weather and the situation up there right now. Hopefully he gets into a shelter where he can get some warm clothes. Most probably will. God seems to look out for idiots and children. Take your pick on which he (I have to use humor to get me through at times!) The weather may also keep him away from you. Its too blankin cold to go far.
  8. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    LOL Janet! Thank you for that! I love a good sense of humor! It's the only thing that keeps me going sometimes! I 'think' he's smarter than I give him credit for. My hubby said before "he's an idiot sometimes but he's not stupid. He'll be ok." I hope so.

    Luckily I have my best friend from childhood spending the night with her SO and his son. This was planned before I found out about difficult child bc she still has no power after 12 days!!! I'm glad she'll be here! Looking forward to her company especially now!
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    12 days! Wow, I bet they are thrilled to be there with you! Have fun with them and have some hot chocolate for me. Add some marshmallows too.
  10. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I think we sometimes think of the worse and panic - I know I do and it is so hard when we have zero control over the situation. I don't think my 34yo will ever mature enough to support himself. He needs money AGAIN and that is they only time I ever hear from him.

    Hang in there, my BiPolar (BP) is sky high and as much as I don't want to my doctor is putting me on medications. Maybe someday all of this will sort out for the better.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I know Janet! We had no power for 5 days and that was horrific! I can't imagine 12! But then again that is peanuts compared to the total devastation in South Jersey! It's so sad! Some people lost everything!!! And I will definitely have some hot chocolate for you but mines going to have to be spiked!!! lol

    Tired- I agree! I do tend panic and it makes it worse. It's the lack of control over the situation and the fear of the unknown. I hate it! :( I'm sorry about your son! I really am! I hope you're able to relax a little tonight and find some peace!
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JKF, I'm glad you got the alarm, good job. I'm very glad you're calm now, and you're right, you did everything you could to help him, even now contacting the CMO worker, that's all you can do. So, now you can let go (the two words which show up daily in my life) and go enjoy your friends tonight. It is what it is................and life goes on..............HUGS...........
  13. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I know you will still worry, but if it makes you feel any better these kids are usually masters at resourcefulness. My daughter (who I believe is undiagnosed bipolar) once left in a blizzard with-her infant. I was freaking out. She showed up the next day with a CAR someone had given her and she had a new place to live. Do they usually go to the type of places we would want to live? No. But they usually find food, shelter and much more. And you're right- this is not your situation and you do not have any control over it. Hang in there. Sending you positive energy!
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    You worked through that really well! Seems natural to be worried and struggle with what the heart feels vs. what your mind knows needs to happen.
    I'll say a prayer for him to find his way and for you to be able to keep that peaceful feeling!
  15. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    So when I checked the custody status page it says "transferred location unknown". Does that mean he's been released? Or maybe taken to the hospital??? I can't get anyone to answer the phone there. I hate not knowing!
  16. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I can't get anyone at the jail but when I call the inmate locator number the recording says inmate has been transferred to another facility. This whole thing is so weird! I definitely don't think he's out yet bc he would have tried to call me.
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That sounds like it would mean he's being released, but I'm not up on the jail jargon.................geez, not knowing is always so tough. If you are a spiritual person, perhaps you might say a prayer for him.............when I have not known where my difficult child is, I say a prayer for her and ask God to take care of her now, since I can't .......and then, as usual, say the Serenity prayer. That helps me, sort of handing her over to a Higher Power. And, then I realize her fate has really always been out of my hands anyway, she's firmly planted in her own life, doing her own destiny, which truthfully, I don't understand or know anything about ..............but I have to trust that it's all unfolding exactly how it's supposed to in the larger sense of life, in the big picture. I truly am powerless. It reminds me of a moment 12 years ago when I was taking my 4 year old granddaughter to her therapist after her Dad had killed himself. I was distraught and just full of sorrow and fear for her. The therapist said something that has stuck with me all these years. She said, "you never know why things happen. This is very sad, however, we don't know that your granddaughter won't grow up to be a therapist whose specialty will be to work with folks who've lost a parent to suicide, and she will have this experience to be able to help them." That remark gave me a lifeline to hold onto. Remarkably, when my granddaughter was in the 6th grade, we found another therapist who was just amazing and here's the interesting part, the therapist's father had committed suicide! She was a great source of comfort to us, and "got" what we were both going through on a very deep level. And, here's the other interesting thing, my granddaughter is 16 now, and has this level of compassion and empathy that you don't see as well developed in such a young person too often. She is often the kid other kids turn to when their lives hit a wall with their families. She can be present in their pain and offer her compassion to them, so they seek her out. Whenever I see that now with her, I think of what that therapist said all those years ago. She may not become a therapist, but she has some unique ability to offer herself to others in a very caring and understanding way, she knows pain and can deeply connect with other kids when they are in pain. Sometimes our lives go down paths which we can't possibly understand, but they lead us to a place where we are supposed to be, where we are meant to be and we wouldn't have gotten there had we not learned what we needed to learn in some odd and often heartbreaking circumstances.

    Your son may really get a big glimpse of real life now........first jail with no access to you.......then finding his way on an unclear path. I know for me, when I was young and had so much to deal with, as an adult, those very hardships gave me tremendous inner strength and the conviction that I could survive anything. I developed resourcefulness out of necessity, to survive. Your son may be learning that about himself now. You don't know. And, he may keep making mistakes along the way, but one day, wake up with a truckload of what appeared to be negative experiences, which now all add up to a rich and inspiring life which can help others with what he learned. You just never know how it will turn out.

    Hang on Mom and keep taking deep breaths............ and release him to a Higher Power if that feels right to you..............(((HUGS))))
  18. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Awwww RE - what a beautiful reply! Thank you! I agree - my hardships as a young adult made me who I am today. There was a time in my early 20's when I was briefly homeless and separated from my family and a big hot mess! I pulled myself together and learned a big life lesson from that experience! Things happen for a reason.

    Anyway, difficult child DID get released last night. He was taken to a shelter near the jail. I have yet to hear from him but I'm ok with that. It's weird bc I feel so at peace with everything. I can't figure out why all of a sudden, especially in the midst of this chaos, but I am at peace.
  19. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    It's been 2 days now since he was released and I still haven't heard from him. I was told he went to a shelter after his release but who knows. Im really worried about him. It strange that he hasn't tried to call. I really hope he's ok. :(
  20. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He was taken to a shelter. He has access to food and warmth. If he chooses not to take advantage of it, there is not much you can do about it. He knows you and he is very aware that by now you are consumed with worry. I will bet you a dollar that he is counting on it. You will have to decide what your response will be when he calls. He has "friends" and it is possible he is staying with them. I understand the worry. I feel it everyday about my own difficult child. I am learning the hard way how he tries to use it to his advantage. Just my two cents.