so i'm a wreck

[Jena]

hi

been off board for a few days dealing with-junk here. so i have a dr appointment for me thursday to hopefully get either xanax or something to help calm me and keep me more level. ive done ok for years on my own yet this new difficult child situation ontop of her up till 4 all summer long my nerves are officially shot.

my bodies a wreck also. hairs falling out, all my joints are completely swollen now. and new nodules on my feet as of last night and overall body just aches bad, real low energy. it started like 3 days ago. was doing good for a while with cooler weather yet once stress hit i went off charts again. hearts been racing away even when i'm calm so i'm popping bayer for now seems to help a bit.

periods decided to hang on for two weeks now as well (sorry for dad's who are reading this yuck!). hearing in left ear is getting worse, memories been decreasing for years but we're at an all time low in that area lol.

husband and i were trying to wait out for insurance yet when i woke up like this today i told him ok i gotta go at least get blood test for rheumatoid arthritis done to confirm it. dr thinks it may be ms also. i think it's just arthritis. that would be cool

husband and i are arguing, i'm over reactive, giving him a hard time, driving him nuts so he finally planted me last nite. i guess i deserved it. his ex is creating issues also. because difficult child isn't sleeping at night she went 24 hrs today. just crashed at 8 this morning. so she was texting husband last night and talking to her kid on phone stay away from my daughter etc. than texting him. so i finally snapped after 4 years. i text her and told her off. than he got about 30 texts in about 15 min.

so as you can see as usual our life is insane. keep trying to calm it yet never works. i also posted update about difficult child on regular board.

i sat outside with-green tea and yes a cig. today and just said wow god i do not pray so hey how are you?????? i'm trying not to be dramatic yet it's time to ease up on me kinda had enough now. left him a voicemail

 

[totoro]

I am glad you going to talk to someone- sometimes taking something just to help you take the edge off even for a bit helps.
It might help you at least be able to deal with all of the ca-ca around you so then you maybe can deal with your own health. I know it hoovers when you have so much on your plate, it is a whirlwind and it is so hard to even know where to start.
The kids always come first for us. So we leave our own health on the back burner until things build up and then we break down.
His EX has been a pain for so long I wish she would have figured out that you are not a threat and that she needs to be stable as well!!!
I wish difficult child could get stable and remain there.
You are strong and have done so much to help your family- you have been through a ton and are way to hard on your self. Wish I could more.
Take care of yourself and please continue to see a doctor if things do not get better.

 

[Jena]

toto hey never mentioned im so sorry your husband goes thru that. it sounds horrible. i wish there was some idea i could give you to help him. that was off another thread a while ago, i read it meant to respond and forgot.

yea i'm giving up UNCLE give me the medications. i'm def going to need it if i chose to take difficult child to that hospital far away. i'm like a kid i dont' do well far from my ppl

 

[Jena]

i went to doctor today. he gave me xanax. that's it. i wanted an everyday yet with-leaving to deal with-difficult child he wouldn't do it. he ran blood work to try to finally figure out wha'Tourette's Syndrome going on with-me. i showed him all the swelling everywhere and also the nodules popping up everywhere so he ran a bunch of tests for r.a. and thyroid tests. so we'll see i'll know by next week.

he wants me to see a rheumatoligist when i get the insurance. makes sense

 

[Boogie]

Sorry things have been so bad... they're far worse here. I, too, snapped this week. I took a baseball bat to Satanica's door after she kept pushing about her stupid cell phone. I put several holes through the door and then proceeded toward Satanica, beating the mattress and finally hitting myself hard in the head to stop myself from killing her. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if the cops or CPS drop by for a "friendly" visit this week.

Her case manager was here today and I went off on her as well after being told once again that any kind of placement out of the home is not an option, to which I told my wife to take her difficult child's and start packing. At night, I wake up, go sit in the dark basement and cry. I just can't handle this anymore. It's sucked the life right out of me and I really hate the monster I've become.

NOBODY wants to take Satanica. Nobody. So we never get to do anything. Our last respite worker quit like two months back and we still don't have a replacement. So, whatever Satanica did/told her to make her quit must have been a real doosey.

You mentioned nodules and joints... I was recently diagnosis'ed with fibromyalgia, and the diagnosis was based on pain and/or swelling in eleven different points. I also have RA but it's in remission. I also have my own theory about prolonged, extreme stress levels and the release of cortisol in the blood causing damage to the central nervous system, causing it to overload on pain triggers, causing severe pain that shoots from place to place, causing pains for no evident reason.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Jena, you really do need to take care of yourself.
I'm glad you went to the dr, got an exam, and got Xanax.
If you want something long term, you can find another fam dr, or go to a psychiatric.
Sleep is imperative. Everything else falls apart if you don't get sleep.
Xanax really helps for sleep.
Let us know what the blood tests reveal, and when you see the rheumatologist.
Many hugs.
P.S. Would a massage help?