The Call

[New Leaf]

Good morning all. I woke up this morning determined to keep living my life. Not going to drop everything to pursue this. I was reading about meth detox and realized at this stage, only a few days in, Tornado will be a wreck. Not going into the old pattern of rescue mode.

After getting over the initial "shock" of having my only child in jail, I began thinking like so many of us here do.....she is safe......she is eating......I know where she is now......sigh....

That is how I feel. I will sit with it for a while before I do anything.

I'm sorry Leafy, I know the assault this takes on your whole system until you regain your balance.....your daughter will do whatever she will do......while she is dealing with this latest issue, take this time to be very kind and nourishing to yourself.....amp up your self care and support.....we'll do our best to support you, circling our wagons around you.....you're not alone.....

There is no use denying it, Re, it is true, it is a shock to the system, even though I have secretly prayed that either she, or her sister would be hauled in one day. Yes, I have prayed for this. It is something of a last resort, seeing Rain sporadically, hearing reports of my two slipping and stumbling further and further into meth addiction and homelessness. It seems that they have accepted this lifestyle above anything else. Reading up on meth, it is a no brainer. The vicious cycle of use, leading them to the very gates of hell. This is a forced detox. Not by choice. Time will only tell what her decision is. She has abandoned family, her own children, to get high and live on the streets.

I'm glad we followed his advice, but it was obviously a very rough time for us. So I don't know the "right" thing to do, but just wanted to throw our experience out there. No matter how it plays out, I hope that in some way this ultimately leads to Tornado seeing her need for rehab and starting it with serious intent.

Thank you Albie. The seesawing that goes with this. If I go to court, if I don't go to court.......The thing is, my focus has been on seeing my son through his last years of high school. His life has been so thoroughly disrupted by his sisters choices and shenanigans and our desperate attempts to "help." It has not been fair to him at all, or us.

In the meantime, I'm so glad that you are reaching more of a steady state about the craziness of it all. We are all here to support you.

Thank you Albie, it is good to come to this place of refuge and read the advice, helps to calm me and figure out my next steps.

He learned how to survive.....has been in jail since and served a couple of months. He hates it, is bored and does not want to go back but him being in jail is by far not the worst thing for me. Hei s doing ok at the moment and I certainly prefer him doing better....but time and his own self will tell if he fully gets his act together and really becomes a productive member of society.

TL, I am glad your son is doing better. I have read some of my old responses to those who lament about adult children in jail. I am digesting it and remembering that I have looked at it as a possible remedy. So, that is what I am focusing on to ride out the initial shock of it.

You are doing the right thing. I too did not bail my son out although it tore me apart. After 30 days his dad finally did but only managed to deal with him for two days and then send him off to hospital for evaluation. It was a turning point for him and for us all. He was finally diagnosed correctly re his mental health; went to rehab to deal with his drug problem and moved into a group home where he has since started to rebuild his life. Sometimes the storm needs to hit to clear the path forward. Hugs for you and your family and hold strong. We are all here for you as you have been for us.

Thank you Wisernow. I so appreciate your story with your son. Not bailing her out is not tearing me apart. There is a tinge of "What will she think?" going on, which I have to squelch. That is old pattern talking. The truth is, that no matter what I do, it will never be enough for her. So, I am sitting with my feelings and sorting through them.

Each time I drove passed the corrections facility, I thought of him in there, so close yet so far. And I lifted prayers of thankfulness and for the goodness of the legal / corrections ohana helping him in ke ala pono, in the way he needed for himself. I decided to “trust the process.” He ended up being in the corrections center for 6 months, and he had up and downs (including getting hurt), but I think he hopefully learned it is not a place he wants to go back to live in.

Mahalo nui Kalahou for sharing this. I think for now, I will pray as well, and be thankful.

I will follow along and keep you in my heart and prayers through this. Tornado is still quite young, but she began this hard road at an early age, so has been on it a very long time. Maybe this will help her realize that time catches up with us all. Maybe she will come to realize an increasing need for ohana and reach out.

Mahalo ke akua. It’s all good, Tita. Bless.

"It's all good." Whatever happens, happens. I am not putting all of my eggs in one basket, having expectations for anything. Only time will tell what will be. I hope she will begin to understand her true potential, that life is not just one big party, that she needs to grow up.

but when the BIG arrest / more serious charges came, and the big $$ bail, and he could not get out, that really hit home.

Malama pono, dear.

Mahalo nui Tita. I just know that old “jump in the fire” mode will only get me burned, so I am trying to slow way down and take care of what I need. She did not call me, choosing to call her youngest sister, who has a toddler to care for. I might go your route. I have jumped through hoops for my daughter and am tired of the circus.

So hello!! I am here for you The mom who not only let her kid sit in jail but had him arrested (he is kicking butt in rehab by the way, I will save that for another post).

Thank you LBL. I am so glad your son is doing well. I will look for your post.

I felt the turmoil, anxiety and stress these theee little words caused for you. Oh how I felt every thump of the keys to engrain that decision not only here but etched in your heart.
Not easy, right isn’t always easy, often right is the hardest choice.

Not too much turmoil, mostly determination. I am not cold and hard, but have been down this road way too long. Nothing I have said has gotten through to my two, not even the death of their father. Meth is such a life sucking drug. I think this is the only way my two will escape its grip on their brain. Forced. I read a bit about detox from it, it is hard. Rehab takes a long time, as the brain craves it for many months....like 30.

And last note from me....she didn’t call you ....she called her sister....who is a homeless drug addict....but has a cell phone....the irony of that statement is not wasted on us here

She actually called her younger sister, not Rain. I don't even know if she has a cell phone, but definitely would not have money to bail her out. The irony of her calling her youngest sister, who is making right choices........it may have been a way to get to me, without actually calling me. Who knows?

Stay strong and know we are here with you and for you.

Thank you LBL, it is wonderful to have so much support.

hang in there new leaf. You deserve way better.

Thank you Copa, as do you. We all do, and so do our beloveds. They have to choose better.

I think in this instance, keep going on about your life like this never happened. Do not help or contact her at all. Let her sister know this too so there is no mistake. She is 30 years old, it's either now or never that she starts changing her life.

I have been thinking this way, this morning. Let her sit with it for the time being.

I have no doubt in my mind she will want to reconnect with you again as mother and daughter in the future, but in order for that to happen, right now she needs to know that you are not having this mess.

Thank you Wish, for sharing your experience. It means a lot to me.
I think we all have so much to offer one another and am so appreciative of the time you took to write out your suggestion from your own struggles. I am not having this mess. That is how I have been feeling, as I sort through this latest version of consequences. Stopping myself from that old moth to the flame reaction. I don't know about reconnection, it would take a lot of soul searching for Tornado, and staying off of drugs. I am not basing my life on how my two decide, borrowing from my Dads stoicism. I am not cold hearted, just been around the block with this for too many years. I have to be tough, for self preservation, as well as my sons sake. I have fallen into despair too many times over my twos choices. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole again.

Of course, I could be all wrong, but it's the best that I can do. Sending big hugs your way.

I don't think you are wrong at all. Thank you.

Gosh, as I re-read my replies, my grammar is terrible, just terrible! I have words in wrong places and everything. I am in a rush much of the time and to make it worst, I lost my glasses. It's hard for me to stare at computer screens (even with glasses). I apologize in advance and I hope despite my errors, you still understand what I meant to say.

Aw, Wish, no worries on grammar and typos. I think I got the gist of your post. I am glad that you shared from your heart. It helped me through my thought process. I hope your find your glasses. I use readers and have them all over the place!
Thank you all so much for taking the precious time out of your day to help me with your thoughts and kindness. It is such a relief to be able to sort this out with you guys.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

New leaf. I agree one million percent with wish. New leaf. Nobody could be doing this better than you. With more kindness. Compassion and wisdom. And strength and resolve.

Wish. Your post helped me so much. It is among the wisest and knowing I have read here on this site.

I am really in a bad space with my son. I am contemplating a restraining order. I lie awake at all hours in agony that he is sleeping outside, with no food.

Last night he came here begging for food. We called the police because he made a suicidal statement. And gave him an apple.

By your explaining your mindset I am able to hold onto a reason to suffer. I can see that helping my son is actually acting out on my part. Self-indulgence on my part. Which is hurtful.

The opposite of conscious intention.

It is like scratching an itch which only breaks the skin. Like eczema or a fungal infection. The worst thing you can do is scratch

Thank you very much for your support wish, new leaf, and everybody.

 

[Jabberwockey]

If she is not bailed out they will probably hold her until her court date. If this is her first offense I bet she will get some kind of probation. She will get a court appointed atty. unfortunately they probably wont give her treatment for addiction unless she gets sentenced to some time. If she is really sick from withdrawal she may go to their infirmary unit.

Agreed. The only way she will be given treatment is if she does time in prison, not jail. They might assign her to drug court but as she has been homeless for a while, that's highly unlikely.

 

[AppleCori]

Im glad you are doing OK this morning, Leafy.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Apple

 

[AppleCori]

Wish,

Thank you for your words.

They are very insightful.

Share more often!

There are many parents who come to this forum who need to hear what your experience was.

 

[New Leaf]

New leaf. I agree one million percent with wish. New leaf. Nobody could be doing this better than you. With more kindness. Compassion and wisdom. And strength and resolve.

Thank you Copa. Reading through my posts, I have often written that I am not cold hearted, as if I have to defend myself, my actions, or inaction. There is a tinge of guilt to deciding to not do anything, I confess. I have to remind myself that I have given my two to God, and that my prayers for them will have to suffice. The rest, is truly up to them. What power do I have over this? Not one bit.

Wish. Your post helped me so much. It is among the wisest and knowing I have read here on this site.

I agree completely. How easy it is for our wayward adult children to continue on this path, and try to hand over their consequences to us. We take up their struggles and woes, suffer in heartbreak after heartbreak and it becomes just another Tuesday for them.

I am really in a bad space with my son. I am contemplating a restraining order. I lie awake at all hours in agony that he is sleeping outside, with no food.

I am so sorry Copa. It has been a long haul for you as well. I have some respite with my three well children. For you, I imagine it is a harder journey, because your son is your only child.

Last night he came here begging for food. We called the police because he made a suicidal statement. And gave him an apple.

You have done everything possible to try and help your son. To see him in such a state is torturous.

By your explaining your mindset I am able to hold onto a reason to suffer. I can see that helping my son is actually acting out on my part. Self-indulgence on my part. Which is hurtful.

There is such a learning curve to all of this. What we need, what they need. There must be some reason somewhere in the universe why we suffer, why they suffer. What do we need to learn? Why don't they get it? Why won't they grow and change and see their potential?
I have come to the conclusion that I am not the one to help my two. They have shown me over and again, that my version of help, does not urge them to change, quite the opposite, they dig further into the hole, and take us down with them.

The opposite of conscious intention.

It is like scratching an itch which only breaks the skin. Like eczema or a fungal infection. The worst thing you can do is scratch

Thank you very much for your support wish, new leaf, and everybody.

Copa, you have taught me so much through your wisdom and kind, thoughtful, intelligent posts. I thank you. I pray for your peace, and for your son.

Agreed. The only way she will be given treatment is if she does time in prison, not jail. They might assign her to drug court but as she has been homeless for a while, that's highly unlikely.

There are so many homeless addicts on the street, Jabber. The system is overwhelmed here. Prisons overcrowded. I don't know what will come of this and am giving it to God.

Im glad you are doing OK this morning, Leafy.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you Apple. I so appreciate your kindness.

There are many parents who come to this forum who need to hear what your experience was.

I agree. Helping is not helping. We won't be on this earth forever to dig our wayward's out of the messes they create. They have got to learn to want better for themselves.
Thank you all.
I am blessed to have your support.

Have a wonder filled day.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy
PS.
I took a group of my sons crew mates on a distance paddle yesterday. We worked on building strength and endurance, exerting ourselves hard in the canoe together on the beautiful ocean. Saw several turtles and a monk seal, basked in the sun and jewel toned sea. As I watched these teenagers, chatting happily and singing together after a hard practice, I remembered that Tornado was blessed with this kind of experience in her youth. I am thankful for that memory. Hopefully, she will remember her roots and return to herself and the possibilities held out for her. That, is completely up to her.

 

[Lil]

Oh Leafy...I'm so sorry that you've got this on your plate. Wish I could be there to help you through it.

 

[RN0441]

Leafy

It's good and bad I guess.

I agree that you are not to get involved in this.

Will write more later!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Leafy.....we're surrounding you with our love and care....for YOU, precious Leafy, who've given so much and opened your heart so much for us....
...you are enveloped in grace & compassion Leafy....as you allow it to unfold in it's own organic, natural way.....remember, you've done it all, you've done enough...it's Tornado's journey thru the darkness...all we can do is continue fanning the flames of our own inner light as you did yesterday with your son........ relishing each precious moment....

My daughter has taught me how to choose in each moment where I want to live...each step she took into that darkness, I had to choose not to follow her.....and each time, I got a little better at it.
Like this story......

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

Remarkably, we learn how to walk down another street. Just as you are doing now.....so very difficult....and yet....what is necessary.

Many hugs for you Leafy...

 

[Triedntrue]

One thing you may need to be prepared for is that some jails/courts will not release someone unless they give a definite address. I would bet that she tries to use yours. Maybe others can share if this is true for them. I don't know if you can tell the judge or lawyer that she may not use your address. I am not sure of the details just don't want you to be blindsided.

 

[toughlovin]

Yes if you call the da make it clear she cant come home!

 

[Littleboylost]

Gosh, as I re-read my replies, my grammar is terrible, just terrible! I have words in wrong places and everything. I am in a rush much of the time and to make it worst, I lost my glasses. It's hard for me to stare at computer screens (even with glasses). I apologize in advance and I hope despite my errors, you still understand what I meant to say.

I am always in a rush and on my phone. I am right there with you Wish. No grammar police here it was a lovely supportive post

 

[Littleboylost]

Thank you Copa. Reading through my posts, I have often written that I am not cold hearted, as if I have to defend myself, my actions, or inaction. There is a tinge of guilt to deciding to not do anything, I confess.

That was the whole gist of my post earlier Leafy. We are so loving and not hard or cold. And test I am certain we all feel a twinge of guilt and judgment when we know doing nothing is the right thing to do. That takes a mountain of love.

I am so glad for your paddle with the teens, it sounds magical!

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Leafy...I'm so sorry that you've got this on your plate. Wish I could be there to help you through it.

Thank you Lil. I do feel everyone here with me, and it is a blessing. Even though we don't see each other, reaching out through CD has been a lifesaver.

It's good and bad I guess.

I agree that you are not to get involved in this.

Thank you RN. I am not going there.

Leafy.....we're surrounding you with our love and care....

Thank you so much RE.

I had to choose not to follow her.....and each time, I got a little better at it.

That is what I aim to do. It has been her choice to deny family, to deny herself through meth use. God help her see this.

I walk down another street.”

Remarkably, we learn how to walk down another street. Just as you are doing now.....so very difficult....and yet....what is necessary.

I have read this poem before and it is a simple reminder of the pit we can fall into over and again. Learning to walk down another street. It is necessary. For all of us.

One thing you may need to be prepared for is that some jails/courts will not release someone unless they give a definite address. I would bet that she tries to use yours.

This might just well be. I will be checking on this!

yes if you call the da make it clear she cant come home!

Thanks TL.

We are so loving and not hard or cold. And test I am certain we all feel a twinge of guilt and judgment when we know doing nothing is the right thing to do. That takes a mountain of love.

It really, really does take a mountain of love, to restrain oneself from jumping in the fire.

I am so glad for your paddle with the teens, it sounds magical!

It is magical, LBL. That is why I have the hardest time fathoming my twos choices. There is so much more to life than the way they are living.

Just found out through some web searching that Tornado is being held at the correction facility and will have her arraignment on 7/12. I have appointments, so am not able to attend anyway. We shall see what comes of this. On the website, it says there are services available at corrections for people waiting for trial. Praying for a miracle.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Sam3]

Sending my love and strength too.

I’ve been trying to practice living, rather than living despite my son — and I’m here far less often trying to work things out. But this place really is the best of humanity and you are a big part of that. You’ve been a model for acceptance and hope at tbe same time.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sam, I have missed you. Thank you for your love and support and kind, encouraging words.
"Practicing living", really living. I am glad that you are working things out, although I do miss your wisdom and voice. I took a hiatus from posting for a time, I needed to switch focus from all of the sadness that surrounded me and a myriad of emotions that I was dealing with my two and their situation.
Living "despite" my two. That is such a raw, succinct way to put it, but so true, and there is a difference with that, which is comparable to existing, rather than truly living our lives with joy. Practicing living, being present and grateful. Not allowing another’s choices to infiltrate your peace. It is a constant and hard exercise, one that I have had to work at with each twist and turn of this journey.
I find now, that posting reaffirms my goal. As I stumble on the path, when those old patterns rear up inside, it is a comfort to receive feedback and support. When I reply to a new post, I am speaking to myself as much as I am to the author.
In my few years here, I have seen members come and go, I often hope that means that they have healed and are, as you wrote practicing living. I do realize that time spent here, is time spent away from moving and doing, but it is a still blessing for me. There will come a time I am sure, when I need to focus on moving forward.

I awoke this morning with a certain heaviness that I too well recognize. It is almost a breath holding. I will work at that. The birds are full of morning song, and the garden calls me, digging the soil and planting will help me sort through my feelings. I must soldier on with faith that everything happens for a reason, and we are meant to learn a lesson from it all.
When I am faced with issues with my two, time has a way of seemingly standing still, but that is a mirage brought on by shifting emotions.
Time stands still for no one.
After Hubs passing, I am met with this urgency to live, really live, before the sands in my hourglass run out. Part of that, is learning to live with the choices all of my children make.
Take each day, each moment at a time and make the most of it.
I am thankful to be able to come here and know there are folks who understand and share their trials, tribulations and triumphs.
Sam, thank you so much for replying. I hope all is well with you, and please know, whether you post or not, you are not alone. Take very good care of yourself dear sister, do what you need to do to grab your life back.
You are an amazing soul.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Sam3]

Thank you. Believe me, my days are still full of pangs. Like phantom pains from battle scars. Ugly, but still they could be proud reminders of what we’ve done and not done out of love and hope ... if only they didn’t hurt so f’ing much. I’m just trying to let it be part of me now, not because of him. A small but significant difference, at least for me.

There are tragedies in life. Full stop.

You are a beautiful soul. Full stop.

 

[New Leaf]

It is a grieving we go through, a battle wound of love. But, with time and reflection on the gift and blessings of raising them, plus work on ourselves, it can lessen. That is what has helped me, cherishing those precious moments, realizing they are adults and will live as they choose. Giving them to back to God, who loaned them to us. There was a time when I could not bear to look at old photos of happier times. Now, I relish them.It is different, as those photos used to bring more grief, more yearning for things to be right again. That is not under my control, and my two will have to figure out what they truly want out of life. I cannot save them.
There is a post titled “No clue how to save my adult son.” The silent reply that echoes through my mind is.... “By saving yourself.”
We teach them their worth and potential by valuing our own, and living our lives as fully as possible.
Prayers for healing that ache, dear sister, for you and I and all the parents here who are traveling this journey.
We are much more than what our adult children’s choices are. Much more. The pain can take us down for a bit, but every time we rise above it, is testimony to our beloveds that one can choose to be strong, put one foot in front the other and find our God given potential.
Yes, there are tradgedies in life, but, it is worth every moment to swim across the rip tides of them and reach the shore. Phantom pains are there and test our resilience. My prayers are with you to carry on and find your peace, no matter come what may.
Where there is life, there is hope, for them and for us.
Love and hugs
Leafy

 

[in a daze]

It is a grieving we go through, a battle wound of love. But, with time and reflection on the gift and blessings of raising them, plus work on ourselves, it can lessen. That is what has helped me, cherishing those precious moments, realizing they are adults and will live as they choose. Giving them to back to God, who loaned them to us. There was a time when I could not bear to look at old photos of happier times. Now, I relish them.It is different, as those photos used to bring more grief, more yearning for things to be right again. That is not under my control, and my two will have to figure out what they truly want out of life. I cannot save them.
There is a post titled “No clue how to save my adult son.” The silent reply that echoes through my mind is.... “By saving yourself.”

Wise words, Leafy. Sending up prayers for you as you let this latest drama unfold.

 

[New Leaf]

Checked the website yesterday and Tornado, as far as I know is in prison. She asked for supervised release and was denied. Her court date is not until September. When I looked up our corrections website, it said they provide counseling for inmates waiting for trial.
I will continue to hope and pray for her to learn and grow from this.
That is where I am at as far as action, prayer.
Thank you so much everyone for your wisdom, experience, suggestions and kindness.
We shall see what comes of this.
Have a blessed day.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy