About unconditional apologies -
How do I go about that with a gfg15 that will not apologize on her own? (know that I really do pose that as a real question, lol, because I have no clue) She also will not have remorse for any of her actions, never has. She also lacks any cause/effect relationships.
You first set the example yourself. You also may need to calmly draw attention to the fact that you are apologising unconditionally (perhaps for not listening fully - whatever opportunity comes up). Then if you get any sort of apology at a later stage (preferably for something really, really small such as interrupting, or stepping on your toes accidentally, or similar) you draw her attention (again, calmly - Explosive Child methods here, you back off if it begins to cause serious raging) to the way she apologised. maybe point out to her that this is because everybody has got into bad habits and it's time to re-set the standards for all. Ask her to remind you if you apologise conditionally.
This isn't easy, because as parents we try to save face, constantly. We get into this habit when our children are a lot younger and understand a great deal less - "I'm sorry if I scared you when I grabbed you just as that truck went past, but I could see you were about to dash out onto the road after your ball, and I was scared for you."
Believe it or not, that is a conditional apology - "I'm sorry for what I did, but I had a good reason."
When you apologise but make it conditional, it stops being an apology. It has become an explanation; a justification. And if we have promised an apology, if an apology is called for, a justification only makes the other person angrier and feel even more put-upon.
If staff tell difficult child she has to call you and apologise or she won't get X - it's not a real apology. But if she absolutely won't apologise under any other conditions, maybe this is what the staff feel they have to do, in order to teach her how to apologise. And under those conditions, it is far more likely that she will try to turn her apology into as much o a justification as she can get away with.
Take note of yourself and your other kids, how you apologise to one another, even for simple things as getting in one another's way when trying to get to the fridge. This is a really important lesson to try to teach ALL your kids - learn how to apologise unconditionally.
Sometimes you really desperately want to explain yourself at the same time as apologising - you feel that if you don't, your apology will be misconstrued as admission of fault. This fear of being seen by our children as in the wrong can really get in the way of good teaching.
I'll give you a scenario - the computer has been left on and unattended. husband wanders past; checks emails, checks a few other things in case there are messages. Then, because husband is heading for bed, he shuts down the computer. However, difficult child 3 was playing an online game through a wireless connection on another device in the house. THis was using the broadband connection through the main computer, but since it has just been shut down, difficult child 3's game has also been shut down. And he was winning against whoever it was he was playing against, somewhere else in the world.
A conditional apology - "Sorry, son, I shut it down because I didn't think anyone else was using it. It's a waste of electricity to leave the thing on when it's not being used."
Because that apology is conditional, difficult child 3 is more likely to respond with anger: "But I WAS using it! You say you didn't think anyone was using it - you just didn't think!" (Yes, difficult child 3 will talk to us like this, it is our own words coming back to haunt us because we set the wrong example way back when, and now need to un-teach it all).
An unconditional apology - "Sorry, son. I didn't mean for you to lose your game. Next time I'll ask you to shut down for me when you're done."
I know that said a bit more than the "sorry, son," but what it said was a suggestion to do better in the future; there was no component of justification.
But that doesn't mean that you can't ever justify your actions. You can - at a later time, husband could go to difficult child 3 and say, "I'm a bit concerned that I find the computer on and nobody apparently using it, it's easy for me or your mum to think we should shut it down. Or you might find it apparently abandoned and shut it down, but I might be using the wireless connection on my laptop. So how do you think we can sort this? Is there a way we can make sure that we don't interfere with each other's internet usage but still use our home computers responsibly?"
By setting out the problem separately, and trying to involve difficult child 3 in working with us to find a mutual solution, he feels honoured, we are showing him how to treat other people, plus he actually IS capable of making the occasional sensible suggestion. But even if he himself didn't suggest the solution we eventually arrive at, he still feels ownership of it because we involved him in the process.
If you do this with a child who then goes back on what was agreed, then next time you do this, make sure there is full agreement on the solution then write it down on a piece of paper, get everyone to sign it, then stick up a copy of this piece of paper on a wall somewhere. If this gets breached by ANYONE (and difficult child is permitted to call the others on tis too, if it is breached) then you go to the paper, show the others and say, "Do we need to discuss this again?"
There is a lot about your daughter that sounds Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). I'm not saying that's what she has, but the approaches that work for us with difficult child 3 are very rigid because they have to be; he needs everything to be as consistent as possible because for him, the world is a confusing, chaotic place and until he can make out some sort of order, eh can't make progress. "Explosive Child" methods work well for us, but we have of course adapted a lot to our own situation. We have seen amazing progress with difficult child 3, but we also have had to choose to let a lot of stuff slide, for now. If we jump on him for every little thing, he won't know where to begin. But if we choose just four or five things to work on and leave the rest (making sure to leave the stuff he has least control over) then we can begin to see change.
With restitution - if she is given a choice, then she is the one making the decision. She then needs encouragement (by the sound of things) to follow through on her original decision. She needs to know, all along, that it is HER choice she is acting on. "You were given the alternatives, this is what you chose to do. The consequence of doing this is X. The consequence of not doing it is Y. Do you still stand by your choice?"
Inaction is also a choice, she needs to know this. It is a classic passive-aggressive technique to let things slide so you don't ever have to feel you have owned a decision to act. Then you can always blame others for the consequences. But if she can be taught that inaction is also a positive choice she has made then she can begin to understand that the consequences of inaction are her responsibility.
And again - this lesson has to be for the whole family, parents too. The family is a unit, it all interconnects, even if a family member is not always physically present.
Marg