husband and I have arrived at our decision

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    We have done some serious heart searching, thinking, and talking regarding taking custody of Connor. There is no question. Never was, really. It is just not who we are as people. Of course we are going to care for our grandson for as long as we need to. We are certainly not happy with her and her choices. But there is no doubt this little boy will be surrounded by love and he will be very well cared for. I have made peace with this decision. God has a plan. We may not always know what it is and it may not be what we think it was, but He does have a plan. Life throws many curve balls and life does not always go the way we had hoped or planned. But Connor is our family and he will be with us for as long as he needs to be.

    Thank you ALL for your support, input, advice, and prayers.

    Step - you were right. I was never in danger of losing my husband over this. He is so unbelievably incredible. I have his support 1000% and he will be right by my side. I have definitely fallen more and more in love with him...

    I have not heard from anyone at DFCS, yet. I still don't know if they are going to ask us to take him for a short time or until she gets it together. I am prepared it may be life long and I have reconciled with that.

    I did some looking around online and found out that the "presumed" baby daddy will be going to court for his arrest last year on 9/9/13. He is still in jail, too, so I am thinking he will be there until that court date. I will be allowed to be present for the birth which I fully intend on being there. We changed our camping spot to the same town as the hospital so it will be a short distance for me to get there is she goes into labor a little early.

    Now to start buying the basics. I bought a stroller at Goodwill yesterday - a jogging one in great condition for 20 bucks! :) But I don't want to go crazy buying a bunch if it ends up being short term so I am trying to wait until I hear from them. I plan on getting a bassinet/play pen combo for the immediate time. It folds up so we can take it up north for Thanksgiving and set it up in the hotel.

    My inlaws have also offered to pay for all legal fees and adoption costs if it comes to that...of course we are praying like crazy she gets it together, but we are fully prepared for the fact that it may never happen. One thing is for sure - she will not be popping in and out of our home to "visit" him and then go off on her merry way while we are raising him. She will either get it together and take back custody or she can stay away and give the little boy a chance.

    I have not talked to difficult child and have no plans to. I am not putting any more money on the phone account. All she does is call and complain about being there. We have warned her for YEARS that she would end up there and did everything we could to stop it. I am certainly not going to pay to listen to her complain about it now that it has happened. I have put money on her books for food - for my grandson. He needs all the nutrition he can possibly get. I started attempting to write a letter just to remain in contact, but realized I honestly don't have anything to say. I have said all there is to say and there is no more. Not at this time anyway...she maintains she did not use and it was Prilosec giving a false positive. I maintain she is lying because I cannot believe a thing she says anymore...

    So there is my update and that is where we are right now. Please keep us in your prayers...
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    PG, I do believe you are doing the right thing. For some it might not be, but for you it is. Actually, I expected to see this post in the near future!

    I hope difficult child can get it together. I really, really do. But little Connor is going to be one adored little boy no matter what!
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your support!! I honestly think it would have completely destroyed me not to take him in. It is just not who I am and not what is in my heart. So, yes, this is the right thing for us. I already love that little boy so much and I have not even layed eyes on him, yet. I have been doing all sorts of research on the issues he may have and the best things that I can do counteract any negative results from him being exposed to meth. The first year is going to be very, very important and I want to make sure I do the right things by him. I am ready. I feel like this is something that I am supposed to do. I can't explain it, I just feel it...
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad that you and your husband are on the same page and sure you feel relieved to have made a decision after the anguish of weighing the pros and cons. It is not as easy road but I'm sure you all will be thrilled to share your love.
    Hugs DDD

    PS: What does your easy child think of your decision?
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    easy child felt VERY strongly that Connor should absolutely be with us, but he knew it was our decision to make and a big one at that. He is over the moon thrilled. He told us that he will help out in any way that he can and he will contribute however we need him to. He is VERY family oriented and I love that about him. I did not come from strong family ties - my family was very dysfunctional. My husband did. I consider my inlaws my parents, really. My father was a severe alcoholic up to the day he died and I do not talk to my mother anymore at all. My brother doesn't communicate with anyone and my sister only calls me when SHE needs to talk about something. I was praying to break that cycle and ensure that we had a strong family unit despite difficult child's issues. It makes me very proud to see that in my son. I pray I pass that on to my grandson.

    It is my desire to grow up to be an old woman surrounded by love and family...

    And as sad as it is....what if Connor is the only good thing that comes from difficult child? :(
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I can "hear" the peace in your decision. I am also SO thrilled to hear that you and husband's love seems to have rekindled in a way. These men of ours can really surprise us at times!

    I Understand your strong sense of Family Ties. I was an only child raised alone (didn't know/meet my dad til I was 17) by a career oriented mom...basically a latch key kid at a very early age and before it was ever "popular". LOL, there were actually other children around me who's parent's would not let them hang out after school with me because I had No adult supervision.
    All I ever wanted was a big loving family...LOL, in fact I had it in mind to have 6 Children of my own!!! Can you imagine, lol. But after my 2 difficult child boys...3 was all I could handle.

    I also understand not wanting difficult child to have one foot in your door and "Play mommy" at her convenience. I don't think that would be fair for you or Connor. difficult child will hopefully get it together, get clean, sober and become a productive member of society...Hopefully she will be even more motivated after she see's her child.
    However, if that doesn't happen, You husband and easy child will be wonderful parents.

    Am so glad to hear you are "studying up" on what you might be able to do to help baby Connor in his crutial first year of life. This child will certainly be surrounded by lots of love and care.

    Wanted to add that you may be able to look into kid's consignment stores to find alot of really nice "nearly new" clothing, toy's, and other baby essential's. We LOVE our kid's consignment stores around here!

    I think your family is doing the "right thing"...Yes, it is a personal decision but I absolutely believe you can make this work. And you're right...God has a plan. I don't know if you remember Ant'smom but she ALWAYS said that same thing too. She also ended up caring for/raising her grandson from her difficult child.

    You are a remarkable person PG.
    Many blessing's coming your way.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Congrats on your decision! I think it is wonderful!

    I would remind you though, that things never go as planned with a difficult child in the mix, so be prepared for plans to change. Dont get to attached to the ideas just yet. Sorry, a downer I know, but a leson none of us can forget.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Wishing you and your family the best!
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Oh I thing is for sure, if I take custody - even if it is short term - my JOB is to protect him even if it is from his own mother. She and her druggie friends will NOT be a nuisance around here. They WILL be treated as tresspassers and we don't take too kindly to tresspassers around here.

    I truly feel in my heart of hearts that I am finished. I am TRULY detached. I have given up trying to save her, fix her, or help her. I REALLY hope she does pull it together but if she doesn't - it is her life and consequences to deal with. Not mine. I truly feel that I have done all that I can for her - there is nothing else. I do not feel affected by her choices and actions anymore. Her life is her own. She has to decide what it will be. The help is there and being offered to her - she has a choice but the choice is hers and hers alone.

    Make no mistake, if she can't pull it together, we will fight for permanent custody and get a restraining order...

    I am at peace. Probably for the first time in a LONG time. I have gone through the full range of emotions for sure, but I am completely at peace with my decision.

    I started back on Prozac almost two months ago. I am sure that has helped. I feel normal again. I have finally come to grips with the fact that I shouldn't go off my Prozac - ever... :) but I am on the perfect dosage where I am getting ALL the benefits and NONE of the side effects I had before. Everyone has noticed and loves the difference it makes - most importantly being ME. :D
    Thank you all SO much for being here for me!!! Looks like I will be around for many more years... ;)
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG the best thing that little guy has going for him is you and your husband. I'm so glad you have made your decision and you are at peace with it and have the full support of your husband, that is all any of us could ask for. My only suggestion is to seek out legal advice so that you protect yourself and your grandson from your difficult child relapsing and taking him and putting him in danger. Also make sure you check into what financial services are available to him if you have tmeporary custody vs adoption. Youare a smart mom and you know what your difficult child has done while pregnant so you will make sure he is evaluated and followed for any possible problems.

    Bless you for taking on this responsibility. Is there any way she can leave where she is at before the baby is born?
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    She is back in jail - she was only out 48 hours before they got her back in. She claims she called them and told them where to pick her up - I have not been able to confirm that, yet. But since she tested dirty when she returned, she will now remain in jail until she gives birth. (She claims the Prilosec gave a false positive for meth and swears she didn't use when she was out. I told her even if there was the slightest chance that she was telling the truth, her actions showed differently. She went completely silent on me for 24 hours not answering my calls or texts. I didn't hear anything until she was caught and tested.) They said the rehab is not a lock down facility and they are afraid she will run while the baby is still inside her. So, she will still be sent to rehab after she gives birth and then she is supposed to be transferred to Family Treatment Court which is the two year program where she will have lots of requirements to fulfill or she goes back to jail. Last I did talk to her she called her lawyer but no one is out to be paying him, so he isn't doing anything for her. She wanted to get in front of the judge and beg him to reconsider sending her to rehab now. She said if they were not sending her to a rehab where she could keep Connor, she would ask to go to the other rehab she was in before. I said no way. That one costs money and was not a rehab. It was sober living! She is NOT ready for sober living yet. And she couldn't keep Connor there. The woman needs REAL help. Regardless, I told her I was not doing anything to help her. It is high time for her to clean up her own messes. I have zero sympathy and feel zero responsibility for her happiness.

    The judge has granted permission for me to be there for the birth, though. I was scared thinking this all would mean that she would give birth literally IN jail, but since found that is not the case. They take her to the health department for all of her doctor's appointments so of course they would bring her to the hospital to deliver. It will be hard facing her but I know I want to be there and would regret not being there if I didn't go. I told her to make sure someone lets me know when she goes into labor.

    What I do not know yet is if she will still be going to the rehab that allows her to keep him with her. If so, we may only have him for a couple of weeks and then he would be given to her to stay with her in rehab. OR we may be asked to keep him until she completes the program first. I am torn. husband would like for her to complete a rehab and prove herself before getting Connor but I can't help thinking how much she will miss and the bonding that should happen. I am also wondering if having him in rehab with her would make her more apt to stay. Yet I know he would be far better off with us. My court contact has been in jury trials so I have not heard back from her regarding anything. We have just 5 - 6 more weeks until he is born, though. We changed our camping location for Labor day weekend to be closer to her just in case...

    We would be eligible for foster care money if we went through everything to get certified as foster parents. As grandparents taking care of him, DFCS pretty much hands the child over and steps away. We don't need the money and have decided not to pursue it. We are very stable financially. But if there are services available to him, I would definitely want to take advantage of those.

    I will be sure to ask DFCS LOTS of questions when I finally DO hear from them. Everything is still so unknown right now. We just had to decide what it is that we are willing to do when asked.

    Now....we wait....
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    PG... Onyxx kept telling me Zantac showed a false positive for meth. I wonder if this is a big scam that a lot of addicts know or if it could possibly be true.

    Regardless, you're right, her actions say she wasn't clean in other ways.

    You've got this. Go get 'em!
  13. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I'm glad you and husband have made a decision together. I will say extra prayers for you guys as you begin this new journey.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I have read other people claiming it has, too, but who knows whether they were truly guilty. Regardless, it is her cross to bear. Due to her past and her actions to date, no one believes anything from her anymore. I feel sorry for her if she was telling the truth, but hey, if that is the case - she would have been clean since April - she should have no problem going to the program and proving herself. I really hope she does. But I am no longer holding on to the hope. I will continue putting money on her account for extra food, but I have no desire to talk to her. I don't have anything to say to her for the first time EVER. And it is not even anger anymore...I feel that I have said all there is to say and there is no more. Normally I would repeat myself hoping to get through but I have zero desire to keep doing that. I feel REAL change in me over this. I guess that is the silver lining in it all...
  15. garrison

    garrison New Member

    PG Congratulations! I would like to recommend taking up the in laws offer and seeing a lawyer now. Contacting the state before the child is born will give them time to do your home inspection and back ground checks before he is born. If this isn't done you run the risk of your grand going into foster care for a couple of months. The state will also look favorably on you for being proactive. Most states won't just say here you go have a baby. Even if you're the grandparent. They have to make sure it's a safe environment first. I had to prove I wasn't the cause of difficult child's problems.
    Also I know you said you would not allow visits, but the state's first goal is reunification. (This pisses me off so bad!) If you tell the state you won't allow visitation, they may not let you have Connor. (The fact that Meth is involved may make this easier.) I'd like to share the best advice I've been given about raising your grand. Make your home "the safe place". Never have visitation at your home. Always meet your difficult child somewhere else. Do not make it easy. If she cant get a ride. No visit. If she's late, leave. If she brings friends, no visit. I messed this part up and it hurt Mr. I. If the difficult child's cant be responsible enough on their own for a visit then they don't need to be around the grand.
    Also Keep a journal. Write down everything, in a spiral note book. They stand up better in court because you cant alter them. My journal has saved Mr. I. 3 times from being returned to a lying difficult child.
    I so happy you made this choice. Raising my grand is one of the very best things I've ever experienced.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you! :) I think this situation may be a little easier as she does fully intend on signing temporary custody over to us. There is no fight there. We are fully giving her the opportunity to do what she needs to. I hope she does. Heck, if she could pull it together, that would be great! But we are preparing for the possibility that she may abandon him. And no, the visits will definitely not be here. My husband is pretty adamant on that one, too. They will be at her rehab if she does not have him with her there.

    This is what she told me she is doing and I have found a lawyer already to do it:

    "If the parent agrees to relinquish custody and you are a grandparent, a grandparent power-of-attorney will provide the easiest and most cost-effective option."
  17. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My friend's son and girlfriend are both heavy drug users, last summer they left the granddaughter and sister with her and disappeared. She now has custody of her grand and the sister. Beautiful little girls! It's so sad when we see the innocent victims of this disease.

    While my difficult child has denied drug use, other than pot, I am almost 100% positive that either meth or crack cocaine is involved. I am lucky that there are no children involved because I would never be allowed to see them and they would be used as pawns.

    When my difficult child was in rehab almost all of them had failed a drug test so they convinced everyone that the test gave a false negative (or positive). The truth was someone had smuggled drugs in and all of them used. My difficult child lies so much about everything I stopped asking!

    Regardless of the circumstances, I am happy you are looking forward to the birth! Hopefully once she sees the baby she can turn her life around for him.
  18. garrison

    garrison New Member

    Just so you know, P.O.A, can be revoked at any time with out any court action needed. Your difficult child can get mad and say "I'm taking him" to punish you and there will be nothing you can do. Custody is a much better option, as she would have to abide by the court order and petition the court to get him. The best (short of adoption) is guardianship. That gives you the most protection.
    Mr. I.'s mom use to try to blackmail me into giving her things (Money, rides, smokes) or she would take him to what ever drug house she was crashing at. It sucked. After she ran away I got guardianship and that was awesome. The courts eventually returned Mr. I to her but it didn't last long. Thank God he doesn't have bonding issues.
    Be very careful of P.O.A.. It does not protect the child and needs to be filled out every 6 months. So if she leaves, you have another problem.
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG, I am glad you have come to a solution that works for you and husband and easy child. Connor is a lucky little guy. Many hugs and blessings to you.

    *I just want to say that I agree with Garrison in getting an attorney well versed in these issues as soon as you can. There are many odd holes in the law and the way this is all addressed, you want to be educated and you want to protect Connor, you are his advocate here, so it is prudent to get all the information now so you can act accordingly. It was a huge process for me and fortunately (or unfortunately as the case may be) my daughter pretty much just abdicated her role as mother. However, if she had really fought me, much may have gone in her favor simply because she is the biological mother, as Garrison mentioned, reunification trumps a lot. I have legal permanent guardianship, the best possible option I believe. Until you have that, there could be problems, so find out beforehand exactly where you stand.
  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi PG and I am so glad you found the right decision for you and your family. I am at work right now and can't post but wanted to send you my best