My son relapsed....

[RN0441]

I'm thinking cancel the trip. Does his behavior deserve such a trip? I think it wld speak volumes to him. JMO.

Different story if this last "blip" hadn't happened and/or his attitude were more of humility & not that of spoiled entitlement....referring to his therapist as a peasant.[emoji51]

I talked to my therapist about this last week. She said some addicts trigger when they feel alone/isolated. She also asked if son was looking forward to visit and he is. I am going to talk to her again about it tonight.

 

[mof]

We constantly hear the, " it's a maturity thing".....if I could inject him with grow up...we'd all be in a better place...... club I never wanted.

 

[New Leaf]

if I could inject him with grow up..

If you patent this, please send me some.........

 

[Copabanana]

His dad is going to visit him for his birthday and take him deep sea fishing and spend the night. I think he should still do that in spite of everything since it is his 21st birthday. Thoughts from anyone on this?

I think if it is already a plan leave it in place if your husband can handle it. I do not think I could.

What I mean by handle it is this: I would not talk about treatment or drugs or what he is doing or not doing right. (That is what I could not not do. I would be nagging and mad every single minute.)

If your husband feels he can separate himself out from the trauma that your son caused the family--I would have it be recreational male bonding type stuff like you did with he and your other kids so many years ago. A time-out from reality. Kind of like men do with each other all of the time. Nobody comments about whether they beat their wives or drink too much. They just go and have fun.

If your husband feels that would be difficult for him--to focus just on the fun stuff--than I think he should tell your son exactly that. I cannot do this trip because I cannot not think of what you did to yourself and the danger you were in. I know I cannot control you, I cannot make you protect yourself and your life--I cannot make you see the danger.

Kind of like rebelson was saying. But to me the issue would not be rewarding him or not. Because he is not a child anymore.

I know that I could not pretend that nothing happened. Because it did. And he is denying it and instead of facing it he is trying to make out that he is better than everybody else and they are beneath him. I find this awfully troubling.

 

[RN0441]

I had a very good session with my therapist last night.

She thinks my husband going to visit is a wonderful idea for the following reasons:

1. Son needs to know we are there for him with boundaries. Husband already told him if he does anything stupid between now and then, he will not visit him.
2. Son needs to feel the love and closeness of his dad and family to remind him of what he is missing.
3. A 21 birthday is an important birthday.
4. My son is suffering too.

For the first time this weekend, my husband really got on my son about his drug use/abuse and what it has done to his life/our lives. He has never really done this before. Not like this. I think he has been in denial too.

Last night while at the therapist we talked about self-compassion when going over my core values sheet she had given me. I could have cried like a baby when she said that word - even though we have talked about it on our forum and it was the first time I had heard it - and really had to get control of my emotions so I could go on. It hit me really hard last night.

In some ways I think it could be good that the therapist and others there are coming down hard on him and so are we. I only hope that he feels enough pain to start thinking about how he needs to make some changes.

As of last night I have decided to pull away until he can be the young man that I know he can be. I will not accept anything less from him working in that direction. The next time I talk to him I will tell him this. This is something I have to do for myself because I am completely overwhelmed with it all right now.

 

[RN0441]

I think if it is already a plan leave it in place if your husband can handle it. I do not think I could.

What I mean by handle it is this: I would not talk about treatment or drugs or what he is doing or not doing right. (That is what I could not not do. I would be nagging and mad every single minute.)

If your husband feels he can separate himself out from the trauma that your son caused the family--I would have it be recreational male bonding type stuff like you did with he and your other kids so many years ago. A time-out from reality. Kind of like men do with each other all of the time. Nobody comments about whether they beat their wives or drink too much. They just go and have fun.

If your husband feels that would be difficult for him--to focus just on the fun stuff--than I think he should tell your son exactly that. I cannot do this trip because I cannot not think of what you did to yourself and the danger you were in. I know I cannot control you, I cannot make you protect yourself and your life--I cannot make you see the danger.

Kind of like rebelson was saying. But to me the issue would not be rewarding him or not. Because he is not a child anymore.

I know that I could not pretend that nothing happened. Because it did. And he is denying it and instead of facing it he is trying to make out that he is better than everybody else and they are beneath him. I find this awfully troubling.

Copa: My husband isn't one to rag on things (like me lol). He is kind of a man of few words but when he says things they matter.

It isn't being done as a reward. More of a tradition that we do something with our kids for their birthday - usually a dinner out with the family but this is an entirely different situation.

I feel in my heart its the right thing to do and my therapist validated that for me last night.

 

[Kathy813]

I think it is important that you follow your gut. I have found that it is usually the right thing to do.

~Kathy

 

[mof]

I had a very good session with my therapist last night.

She thinks my husband going to visit is a wonderful idea for the following reasons:

1. Son needs to know we are there for him with boundaries. Husband already told him if he does anything stupid between now and then, he will not visit him.
2. Son needs to feel the love and closeness of his dad and family to remind him of what he is missing.
3. A 21 birthday is an important birthday.
4. My son is suffering too.

For the first time this weekend, my husband really got on my son about his drug use/abuse and what it has done to his life/our lives. He has never really done this before. Not like this. I think he has been in denial too.

Last night while at the therapist we talked about self-compassion when going over my core values sheet she had given me. I could have cried like a baby when she said that word - even though we have talked about it on our forum and it was the first time I had heard it - and really had to get control of my emotions so I could go on. It hit me really hard last night.

In some ways I think it could be good that the therapist and others there are coming down hard on him and so are we. I only hope that he feels enough pain to start thinking about how he needs to make some changes.

As of last night I have decided to pull away until he can be the young man that I know he can be. I will not accept anything less from him working in that direction. The next time I talk to him I will tell him this. This is something I have to do for myself because I am completely overwhelmed with it all right now.

 

[mof]

I'm right with you. I don't have a therapist...nor does he, we all need them, our son has drained us of money for such needs.

I have other children who don't deserve this crap at all.

So for next week while he can't live in sober living cause of relapse I get to babysit the loser....so angry.

 

[RN0441]

I'm right with you. I don't have a therapist...nor does he, we all need them, our son has drained us of money for such needs.

I have other children who don't deserve this crap at all.

So for next week while he can't live in sober living cause of relapse I get to babysit the loser....so angry.

So sorry Mof. I know how this feels. It sucks. Why can't he go back to rehab?

 

[mof]

So sorry Mof. I know how this feels. It sucks. Why can't he go back to rehab?

 

[mof]

He can, but must leave for a week first. We know he has to want it....I'm afraid he may never love himself enough. This will be his last stint at home, we will assist him til he's 21 with sobriety, but he's got to get real.

So for the next week what do we do? Mtg twice a day and house arrest? I can't have him out and about...We have two good children.

 

[RN0441]

I'm there too. My son's in rehab but doesn't want to be. My husband had some REAL talks with him this weekend and we haven't talked to him since then so not sure where his head is but he'll be 21 in a month.

We're beyond DRAINED.

He can never live in my home again OR until he is normal. Not sure if he ever will be because he won't accept he has a real problem!

 

[mof]

I know now why the ignorant people think drug users are better off dead....but we are also drained....financially and emotionally. We cannot let him dictate our family.....I don't have people here to talk to except my pastor and boss. Her brother ended his addiction with suicide.....

 

[RN0441]

Well now you have this forum. It's been a Godsend for me. And you have your faith. I lean on that as well. Detaching as much as possible seems to be what helps the most but it's very difficult.

Have to laugh that your dog's breed was censored! LOL

 

[mof]

I spelled shi Tzu wrong....lol still have, he's just Oreo to us. Thank you for your support...Faith is for the living. I believe and God made it very clear he is his son, we are to just love and support him. This path was chosen by God for all of them...but only they have the power to use it for good...not preachy but what we believe.

Knowing your not alone is huge....

 

[BusynMember]

bet it was a chitzu, on a lighter note. This happened to me too when I tried to post my chi/chitzu mix...lol.

Hang in there, ladies. Remember that my daughter quit drugs because she couldn't stand the life anymore. And she only had her boyfriend, not rehab and never went to twelve step. When they want to quit, they will. It won't be because we pushed. It will be when they push themselves because using drugs is no longer feeling good or fun. And, yes, they do think its fun...until its not. Also most will need rehab. My daughter is really a freak story, maybe becsuse her drug of choice was meth and it isnt physically addictive. But its one dsngerous bad arse drug that makes one psychotic. She also used other forms of speed, snorting it, downers for sleep but not benzos, psychedelics a few times, cocaine and even heroin teice. She and I are both convinced that she didnt get addicted to heroin because she snorted it rather thsn injecting it. She never used needles. Her nose was her instrument of use.

At any rate her drug use was serious and daily...until she quit in a basement. She claims it was horrible, but doesnt like to discuss her wuitting time.

Keep The Faith!!

 

[mof]

You are strong...We are praying our son tests c lean thurs so he can go back to sober living and do IOP again.

Why he smoked a joint with some embassy girl and screwed up who knows. I can't focus on it....He is focusing on getting thru the week. Only positive...He didn't relapse with his preferred drug heroine.

But so stupid.... I hate the phone too....lol

Hugs! Keep us posted!

 

[mof]

Hey, I think there is so much hope for your son. Both our sons have chosen to admit a problem and in their broken brain is doing the best they can. Twenty for these men is not a full adult..they are a bit behind.

I'm not sure why they give him Benzos, but there are other options for him. I know my son can't live without his remeron? He has gained so much weight but he is sane, we totally mature, no, but sane.

My son is tested weekly, he has never returned to heroine and he was self medicating ...yes, he relapsed on pot and he told them when questioned. He is in a test now so he can return....it sucks...but your son is trying, recognizing, and for him that is a win!

I don't know what our contract will look at when he wants to transition to home...We haven't had a sane guy in years...but we would love to get him the therapy and help he needs while giving him time to mature.

Your son doesn't want to live on the street, cares for another and seems to love his family...I'd count that as a win....

Blessing today...

 

[RN0441]

Son texted me on Friday afternoon that he "is out". He meant out of PHP and now in IOP. This is right back where he started when he first went to Florida (from rehab in Chicago) back in March. I asked him "now what"? He said "you tell me".

There it was. I said "nope. I'm not involved. It's your life. Call your dad". He asked why and I texted "I'm overwhelmed by your actions. Can't handle it anymore. When you're ready to change for real and for good, then we can talk".

I can't give him my emotional support right now. Not when he is still in denial about his problem. His dad talked to him Saturday and gave him a list of conditions. We'll see if he starts working on them. Nothing that he should not be able to do. I can't wait to talk to my therapist Thursday. She did not suggest this but I just have to do it right now. I feel like I've come a long way with my detaching but his dad is in touch so I am kind of cheating. But his dad can't be manipulated.

He told his dad that his girlfriends mom was blowing up her phone this weekend when he was with her. They had not seen each other in a month. Girlfriend had to block her mom. She was saying that "there is no hope" for my son and other things. That hit me hard. I know she is probably so angry with him for what he did, but to say that when she has her own son who was an addict, is hard to understand. I feel that way myself right now but for her to say that. Ouch. I was going to text his girlfriend later but decided it would be best for my nerves not to get involved in all that drama. Wonder how that makes my son feel though?

We went to another graduation party this weekend for our good friend's son. He plays baseball and got a scholarship to college. He wants to be a firefighter too. He is sweet and adorable and loves his family. He is a joy to be around. Sad on the drive home. For our son and all the things he isn't. He has SO much potential.